


Silka

by Vivifriend



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Adventure & Romance, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Memory Loss, POV Alternating, Past Rape/Non-con, Prophecy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:41:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 36,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28309899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vivifriend/pseuds/Vivifriend
Summary: After being arrested by the Thalmor for possessing forbidden knowledge Silka finds herself with spotty memories of the last six years and none prior to that. Being deemed useless without memories the Thalmor drop her off at Helgen for execution. After escaping Helgen her search for anything to jog her memories or pay back the Thalmor brings her to an Abandoned prison where she frees a Thalmor prisoner; not knowing how her life would change when she accepts the man's offer to repay his life debt.
Relationships: Female Dovahkiin | Dragonborn/Kaidan
Comments: 18
Kudos: 23





	1. A Bardic Execution

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Bethesda for creating Skyrim, thanks to livtempleton for creating Kaidan. I do not own any of their creations. 
> 
> (First fanfic in years and last one was a poem so... It's going to get pretty long but for reasons I can't explain each chapter will range between 2800-3500 words. I'll try to keep up the momentum). Format might be a little odd as I learn the site. Please tell me if it's unreadable. 
> 
> It is in first person. And the chapters will alternate between Silka and Kaidan POVs
> 
> Slow romance to start. There will be smut and there will be references to past rape/non-con. This fic will not contain any on-screen non-con.

Chapter One: A Bardic Execution

Silka: Helgen

“The people demand an execution Bard. Who am I to deny them completely?” The Thalmor said, her golden eyes amused as some carts came into view. “I don’t suppose that changes your mind about giving me the information I asked for?” She asked, smiling, her eyes harder.

“Information about what?” I asked, quirking an eyebrow.

She scowled. “The Blades Bard. The Blades.”

“No idea.” I responded easily.

She hmphed; mounting her horse and riding it toward the gates with her bodyguards. I settled cross-legged on the ground, waiting. Soon enough I heard the Thalmor’s voice carrying across the town; demanding the prisoners be turned over to her; watching as the carts kept coming. _Oh good. She didn_ _’t get her way._ I thought; wondering if I should bother trying to figure out the holes in my memory or not.

Rising I waited in line as the carts reached us and the soldiers were pulled out. A man: protesting loudly about his not being a Stormcloak bolted and I watched impassively as they shot him. _He had to have known that would happen. Right?_ I thought.

_So that_ _’s Ulfric Stormcloak._ I thought as the man faced General Tullius, defiance still in his stance. As the priestess started the rights, I took note of the Stormcloak brashly forcing his way forward. _That_ _’s what you get for saying ‘Blessings of the Eight.’_ I thought. _Talos bless him._ I thought, turning my own thoughts to Shor and Kyne. _I hope I_ _’ve done enough to enter your realm Shor._ I thought. _Wish I could remember._

“Next. The Bard.” The Captain called.

_Why? Why am I next? Wouldn_ _’t it be more logical to start with Ulfric?_ I wondered; pausing when I felt a funny sensation in my chest followed by an echoing roar. _What was that?_ I wondered as a soldier wondered the same thing aloud.

“Nothing.” General Tullius said sharply. “Carry on.”

“I said. Next prisoner.” The Captain repeated.

Shaking my head, I approached her; giving her a steady look before turning; kneeling; waiting. Looking up at the executioner I wondered if I’d get my memories back when I died. _Let it be quick and clean._ I prayed; feeling shock replace my resignation when amongst the shouts to look to the skies a black dragon landed on the tower above my head; right behind the executioner.

“It’s the end times!” Someone shouted as the executioner fell to the ground and the dragon Shouted something and rock and fire started raining down. Working myself to my knees I ducked when the dragon looked in my direction and felt the rush of my hair being lifted as something hit the executioners block, shattering it. Staggering to my feet I tried to orient myself.

“This way Kinsman!” A Stormcloak shouted. “The Gods won’t give us another chance!”

Nodding I ran with him into another tower.

“Ralof.” Ulfric greeted him. “You’re alive. Who’s this?”

“The Bard that was about to be executed.” He responded.

“I’d ask you to join the rebellion but we’re all a bit busy trying to stay alive.” He said, some humor in his eyes as Ralof found a knife and severed my bonds. He frowned at the injured Stormcloaks. “We need to move. Now!” He said, eying the soldiers.

“Up through the tower.” Ralof said quickly.

I ran with him; skidding to a stop when the wall was smashed by the head of the dragon. Flattening myself against the wall as he breathed fire; _He_ _’s Shouting. How do I know that?_ I wondered as the Stormcloak shook his head over the Stormcloak soldier who’d been shifting the rubble. “Do you see that inn over there?” He asked. “Think you can make the jump?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

As he turned to Ulfric I gathered my energy and threw myself across the gap, hitting the floor of the inn and rolling to my feet. As I heard the dragon overhead, I bolted for the opening; dropping down quickly to what remained of the lower level; running outside; feeling discomfort grip me as I registered the young lad in the road trying to get his injured father to move. An Imperial soldier and a townsman were trying to get him to move; the father giving him reassurance. With a disgusted noise in my throat, I ran forward as the dragon swooped down; throwing the boy over my shoulder and darting to where the soldier who’d been calling to him was. Putting him down I met his eyes. “Mourn him but do not let it consume you.” I said, moving back as the townsman moved forward to take his hand as the dragon breathed fire down the street.

“Still alive prisoner?” The Imperial asked. “Stick with me if you want to stay that way.”

_Your soldiers don_ _’t seem to be doing all that fantastic against this thing._ I thought; following him anyway; flattening against another wall as the dragon landed on it; trying to memorize the scale patterns. _Viarmo will love this information if I can get it back to him._ I thought as I followed the soldier toward the Keep.

“Ralof you damned traitor.” He snapped as we entered the keep.

“We’re escaping Hadvar.” The Stormcloak responded. “You can’t stop us.”

Hadvar growled under his breath. “I hope that dragon takes you all to Sovngarde.” He snapped.

“If the dragon takes him to Sovngarde he takes us as well.” I pointed out; scouring the room for anything resembling gear; settling on an axe that I slipped into my belt. “So perhaps you two can stop fighting each other long enough for us to get out of here?”

The two men scowled at each other for a long moment before the Stormcloak finally nodded. “She makes a good point Hadvar.” He said quietly.

“Fine. But only until we get out. I never want to see you again past that.”

“Agreed.” He responded. “That really was a dragon.”

“Something out of myths.” Hadvar agreed.

“Now we just need a Dragonborn.” I quipped, moving toward the inner door.

Hadvar laughed as the men joined me. “That’s a legend just as much as the dragons… were.”

“That’s true.” I agreed, moving down the stairs.

“Gods.” Ralof said as we entered a room with cages. “It’s a torture room.” He breathed.

“I hate that they’re even a necessity.” Hadvar grumbled.

“Torture is notoriously unreliable.” I said, lifting a black covered book off a small table, swiping some lockpicks into my pocket. “Where’d the torturer go?” I murmured.

“He must have heard the commotion and run off.” Hadvar responded.

“Let’s keep going.” Ralof said; “I don’t think we’ll get much in here.”

“True.” I agreed, taking point again.

Coming through the next area I frowned; moving swiftly to crouch by a dead man dressed in Imperial armor. “Frostbite spiders.” I muttered, finding the telltale signs of fangs on his body.

Looking around I breathed a sigh of relief as I spotted a bow and a handful of arrows lying by the wall. “Be alert.” Ralof said, scanning the ceiling himself.

“These things make my skin crawl.” Hadvar admitted as he stepped carefully away from the last spider.

“Agreed.” I responded, following them now as they moved through another corridor.

Ralof threw his hand back after a few minutes. “Bear.” He hissed. “I don’t like the idea of trying to take her. We should try to sneak past.”

“Three of us?” I asked skeptically; moving past them; nocking an arrow. Sighting carefully, I whispered a quick prayer to Shor and let loose; nocking another arrow immediately after and loosing it too; relieved to see the second arrow lodge in her eye socket as the first had hit her skull and stuck.

“Wow.” Hadvar said softly. “The Legion could use an archer like you.”

Ralof snorted. “The Stormcloaks would be better served.” He argued.

“Neither.” I responded. “I’ve got to get back to the Bard’s college and get a new instrument and songbooks then get back to doing what I was supposed to be doing.”

“We should stop by Riverwood.” Hadvar suggested. “My uncle is the Blacksmith there. He’ll make sure you’ve got something to eat at least.”

“Gerdur could do that just as well.” Ralof snapped.

Hadvar paused and we all three quickly dropped down behind a boulder as the dragon flew overhead, soaring toward the mountains. “Think that’s the last of him?” He asked.

“For now.” I responded.

“Ralof. There are too many Imperial Patrols by Riverwood for you to truly be safe there.” Hadvar muttered. “You’d be better off heading toward Windhelm.”

“Not banged up like I am.” The Stormcloak retorted.

“For once would you shelve your stubborn pride!?” Hadvar shouted. “I don’t want to see you get killed so soon after you managed to escape execution.”

“I’m not being proud. I took a beating getting out.” He narrowed his eyes. “And getting carted off here in the first place.”

“Actually, both of you need some healing.” I pointed out. “All three of us really but I’m the best off, I think. So. Here.” I passed a healing potion to each of them. “Drink. Found them in the storeroom.” Gathering my magicka I put a hand on one of Ralof’s shoulders and one of Hadvar’s as they drank the potions; sending healing magic pulsing through them; following the trace of my magic to see who was the most injured.

“How the Fuck are you walking on that leg Hadvar?” I asked as I cut my magic off to keep a draining headache from forming.

“I didn’t really notice it.” He admitted.

“That settles it.” Ralof snapped. “We’ll all go to Riverwood and lay low. Then we’ll go our separate ways again.”

The Imperial frowned. “Fine.”

“On the plus side you’ll both either be taken as scavengers or assumed that one of you is a deserter. In that scenario just think quick.” I suggested as we started moving again.

*****

We reached Riverwood by middle afternoon. A small detour to see the Guardian stones. I’d brushed my hand against the warrior stone and been rewarded by a gleam of light and a warm feeling in my arms. Hadvar had laughed and said he’d known I hadn’t belonged in the line of prisoners. I’d pointed out that it was the Thalmor who’d brought me there and he’d sobered; commenting on treaties while Ralof scoffed.

“I’ll go see Gerdur. Thank you.” Ralof said softly, breaking off and moving around to the side of the town.

Hadvar watched him go, the pain on his face explicit. “I could almost forget what side he was on for a moment there.” He murmured then sighed. “Ah; there’s my uncle.” He raised his voice. “Uncle Alvor!”

The smith stepped away from his forge; staring at us; mostly focused on the man. “Hadvar! What are you doing here boy? And looking like you lost a fight with a cave bear?”

“I’ll tell you inside.” He suggested.

“Who’s this?” He asked, nodding toward me.

“A friend.” Hadvar responded. “She saved my life in fact.”

I shrugged as the Blacksmith lead the way into his house; listening to Hadvar relay the story of what happened; filing it away for writing down later.

“And you?” Alvor asked. “Are you feeling alright?”

“Better than him. Why?” I asked.

“Someone needs to take this news to Whiterun. Riverwood is defenseless out here.” He responded, looking worried.

“That I can do. Just around the mountain, right? Not terribly far by the road?” I asked, remembering the city but not who I’d been there with. Or why.

“Thank you.” He responded, letting out a long sigh. “That takes a weight off of me.”

“It’s no problem.” I responded easily, rising from my seat. “Actually, I’ll go now; see if I can’t make it before the sun sets.”

“Gods bless you Silka.” Hadvar said softly. “Thank you for helping me get back home.”

“I’d say anytime but I’d rather not do this day over again.” I responded easily; moving out of the house; checking how my axe sat; wishing I had the gear the Thalmor had taken from me. Wishing I could remember all of what they’d taken.

The road to Whiterun was curiously empty other than a scraggly pair of wolves. I dispatched them and continued; seeing my first sign of movement when I spotted a giant lashing out at folk surrounding him on a farm. Thinking swiftly, I nocked an arrow and let it fly; watching as it caught his shoulder; distracting him enough that someone managed to hit it hard enough to stagger it. _They_ _’ve got it._ I thought; slinging my bow back over my back; resuming my trot to Whiterun.

One of the guards raised a hand as I approached the gate. “Halt. Cities closed with dragons about.” He said quickly.

“Alvor sent me to ask for some guards in Riverwood.” I responded.

“Riverwood’s in danger too?” He sighed. “Should’ve guessed as much. Go on in. The Jarl will want to speak with you personally. Dragonsreach is at the top of the hill. Can’t miss it.”

“Thank you.” I said, moving in past him. _Probably shouldn_ _’t take time to take a bath._ I thought. _Granted my appearance will add validity to what I_ _’ll need to tell him._

Moving up the stairs I pushed open the doors and let out a low sigh of relief at the warmth that greeted me. Walking swiftly toward the throne I stopped as a Dunmer drew her sword and approached me; waiting to see what she had to say.

“What is the meaning of this? Jarl Balgruuf is not receiving visitors.”

I nodded. “Understood. Alvor sent me from Riverwood. He’s worried about the towns defenses should the dragon strike there next.”

“That’s fine. As Housecarl it is my duty to care for the people of this hold. But unless you have a first-hand account of the dragon your presence will not be needed.”

I let out a short breath. “Did anyone make it from Helgen?” I asked.

“No.”

“Damn.” I murmured. _I hope that boy made it to Ivarstead at least. Or if General Tullius or Ulfric survived perhaps they had him join them_. “I was hopeful.”

“You’ve been to Helgen?” She asked sharply.

“I… Yes. I was there.” I responded, almost feeling the heat of the dragon’s fire on my skin again.

“Why didn’t you mention that at the beginning?” She asked; eying me suspiciously.

“I didn’t want to think about it again so soon but…”

She sighed, sheathing her weapon. “That would explain your wounds.” She murmured. “Come along.” She ordered.

I followed obediently, stopping at her signal at the landing just below the throne. She finished the climb and whispered something in the Jarl’s ear as he looked me over.

I tugged self-consciously at the ill-fitting cuirass I wore but otherwise didn’t dare move. Finally, the housecarl stepped back. “So. Irileth tells me you were at Helgen. You saw this dragon with your own eyes?”

“Yes Jarl.” I responded respectfully. “Unfortunately.” I added. “It was…” I shook my head. “The devastation was nearly total even before myself and a couple of soldiers made it through the Keep. I’m not sure who all made it out. I’m guessing both General Tullius and Jarl Ulfric had the best chances, but I hope the boy I pulled off the road made it.”

“I should have known Ulfric would be caught up in this. But explain. I heard nothing about a battle.”

“There wasn’t one. Ulfric was brought there to be executed.”

“And you?” He asked sharply.

“The Thalmor.” I shrugged. “My guess is I offended them with my music.”

“You’re a bard?” He asked.

I nodded. “I know I don’t look like much of one, but they took my gear so.” I spread my arms a little in a shrug. “This is what I have.”

“Hmm. I may have more use of someone with your abilities. Were you always a Bard?” He asked quickly.

I shook my head. “No. I was a treasure hunter for hire before I was a bard.”

“Stick around Whiterun for a few days. I’ll make arrangements for you to have a room at The Bannered Mare. I may have a job for you shortly.”

“Thank you, Jarl.” I responded, offering one of the bows I’d been taught to use with Jarls.

He nodded and signaled a servant forward, whispering to them. “You’re all set.” He told me as the servant ran off.

I inclined my head respectfully and moved to leave. “Hold Nord.” Irileth said.

I turned. “Yes Housecarl?”

“I would like to know everything you remember about the dragon. I want you to return here in the morning to answer questions.”

_Sensible._ I thought; not looking forward to it regardless. “Of course.” I replied, keeping my tone smooth so as not to show my discomfort.

*****

Sinking into the water in the small bathhouse attached to the Bannered Mare I groaned as the heat from the water seeped into my skin. _This has not been one of my better days._ I thought. _I think._ Worrying at the holes in my memory like a bad tooth I frowned when I came up with nothing. _Even most of my time spent with the Thalmor is riddled with holes. I_ _’m having trouble even remembering what spells I know._ I thought; certain which spells I did Not know. Or didn’t want to know but not why. Scrubbing soap through my hair I rinsed clean, rising, pulsing healing magic through myself to help with the aches and bruises that would take time to fade. Dressed and feeling much better about everything I walked into the Bannered Mare again, frowning to see how busy it had become, feeling an instinct to take cover. _Well, that fucking sucks. Can_ _’t do much as a Bard if I’m hiding from filled common rooms._ I thought; making my way over to the counter to inquire about my room and a meal; choosing the quietest corner I could to down the soup quickly, barely tasting it, opting to bring the bottle of mead up to the small room that Hulda had arranged for me; leaning back on the bed, sipping at it as I considered where to go from here. 


	2. Freedom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Silka meet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Working on not using as many direct quotes while still keeping proper characterization. Gives me more freedom but is a work in progress.
> 
> Happy 2021 everyone! May this year treat you well!

Freedom

Kaidan: The Abandoned Prison

_How long has it been?_ I wondered; trying not to groan as moving my head caused pain to lance through my shoulders. Shifting my legs slightly I locked my feet against the wall again; pushing up to provide some marginal relief to my arms; almost missing the creaking sound of the cell door opening.

I flinched as torchlight fell across my face. “When I get out of here. I’ll kill you all myself.” I snarled.

“By ‘you all’ I’m going to assume you mean the Thalmor and you might want me to heal you first.” A feminine voice said.

I looked up groggily; feeling my breath catch at the sight of the woman before me. Dressed in decently fitted leather armor with wavy reddish-brown hair she was looking around the cell for something and I nearly sighed. _Treasure hunter likely. Probably won’t let me down._ “Who are you?” I asked, suspicious as to her intentions. “Are you with the Thalmor?”

She looked over from where she was shoving her torch into a metal bracket. “Do I Look like a Thalmor?” She spat.

I shook my head; wincing at the pain again while she sighed and moved toward the crate in the cell. “Not really.” I admitted. “But then why be here?”

“Thalmor took something of mine. I want it back.” She responded, carrying the box over to me and dropping it on the floor, adjusting it with her foot. “What’s your name?” She asked; eying the box for a second. “Rest your feet on the back of that while I pick your locks, would you?” She added when I didn’t say anything right away.

Slowly I lowered my feet down. “My name is Kaidan.” I answered, feeling the relief almost instantly in my shoulders.

“How’d you end up here?” She asked as she stepped onto the corner of the box; narrowing her eyes as she stuck a pick into the lock.

“How the fuck do you think I ended up here? The damn Thalmor ambushed me at my camp.”

This look from her was apologetic. “Sorry; had to make sure they hadn’t actually managed to net someone who deserved it.”

“If they had?” I mused finding my gaze attracted to the scars on her cheek; an oddly shaped burn scar and some that looked a bit like claw marks tracking through the freckles. “The Thalmor give you those?” I asked.

She shrugged. “I have no idea. As to if you Had deserved to be caught by them, you’d have been spitting more threats and there’s a certain… aura around people like that.” She explained; stepping carefully to the other corner of the box as my left arm fell free. I watched her start working on the other; pausing after a few seconds to shake her hand out. “Sorry. Seems I got a hand injury acting up. Must be recent.” She murmured.

“You don’t know?” I asked; _There’s a lot you don’t seem to know_. I thought; giving her a long look when the lock clicked, and I breathed out a sigh of relief as my arm fell free; staggering slightly. “Apologies.” I murmured as I bumped into her.

She shrugged. “It’s fine. I imagine you’re stiff. You alright with me touching you to heal you? I don’t have much in the way of healing potions. They’d only take the edge off.”

I frowned; _I’d rather not have magic used on me but…_ I grimaced as my back twinged. “That’s fine.” I ground out; trying to relax my tensed muscles.

She nodded. “Alright.” Gently resting a hand on my chest, she frowned in concentration and I felt the pain easing; radiating outward from where her palm rested. After a moment she bit her lip and lifted her other hand; putting it next to the first; her eyes narrowed in concentration and I winced as I felt ribs pop back into place; taking my first deep breath in what I suspected were days. She looked up at me and I felt my breath catch slightly at a flash of vulnerability that flashed in her green-brown eyes as the glow and scent of magicka faded; feeling a brief impulse to touch her face. “Better?” She asked softly.

I nodded slowly. “Better.” I agreed; rolling my shoulders as she lifted her hands and jumped down off the box. “You managed to get my back too.” I said, feeling a bit surprised. _Alright. That was… not completely unpleasant._ I thought.

She gave me a half smile, rubbing at her temples. “So. You’ve been here then. Any idea where the rest of the Thalmor might be?”

I pointed toward the second door in my cell. “There’s more to the prison back that way.” _And it’s where the damn Thalmor who took my sword went._

“Do you know how many?”

I shook my head. “At least one Justicar.”

“Justicar?” She asked as she approached the door, crouching down and taking her lockpick out again.

“The ones in charge.” I responded, giving her a sidelong look.

“Oh. Justiciars! Should’ve figured that.” She pushed a second pick into the lock. “Why did they lock the doors? It’s not like you could’ve gotten down on your own.” She grumbled; shaking out her hand again as the door clicked.

I shrugged, ignoring her comment on my pronunciation. “Likely. But the Thalmor don’t like taking chances.”

“True.” She stretched her shoulders and moved through the door; turning toward a chest on a table.” Let’s see if we can’t find you a weapon.” She suggested; popping the lid; pulling a one-handed sword free. “All they got.” She murmured, passing it over to me.

“Not optimal but it will work.” I said, following her toward the stairs.

“Wish I could remember wards.” She murmured. “Feel like Thalmor are likely to use magic.”

 _That’s the third time she’s said something about remembering things. She lose her memory or something? I never did get her name_. I thought; trying to match her silence as she neared the top of the stairs. She pulled her bow free and nocked an arrow; frowning; holding up three fingers.

 _Three of them? Damnit. I was hoping it would just be the Justicar_. I thought; shifting with my rescuer as she carefully moved until she could see into the room; letting the arrow fly; nocking another quickly as the room erupted into chaos. I charged past her into the room; choosing my target and moving in; stabbing him; letting out a cry of pain as electricity arced through me; turning; blocking a blow from the second soldier; noting the arrow sticking out of their left shoulder.

“Impossible!” The Justicar roared. “You’re dead! You were executed.”

The woman laughed. “Didn’t you hear about the dragon?” She baited.

I turned from dispatching the second soldier to see her circling with the Justicar; her eyes focused; jerking to the side when he arced lightning toward her. “Still claiming memory loss Bard?” He spat.

“Oh, are you the one that caused the spell to go off?” She shook her head; meeting my eyes very briefly and I nodded as I readied the sword as she made another partial turn; drawing the Justicar to turn with her; putting his back to me completely.

I stepped in swiftly; driving the sword through his back and chest; rolling my neck as he crumpled; watching the woman crouch down to retrieve my sword before I could; puzzling over the Altmer’s last words. Noting her furrowed brow when she saw the script I shrugged and accepted it back. “Fucker deserved that.” I snarled. “Thank you.” I added, reaching a hand out for my sword.

She shrugged a shoulder and passed it over. “What’s the script say?” she asked. “It looks vaguely familiar, but I can’t place it.”

I felt my brows furrow. “It looks… familiar?”

She nodded. “Yes. But then the only class I excelled in at the Bard’s college was history so perhaps it’s a language I came across while there.” She laughed; a light sound that made me want to smile.

“Look. I appreciate your help.” I murmured. “Unfortunately, it means I owe you. And I don’t like being indebted to people.” I took a deep breath. “So, I propose I travel with you until I’ve repaid said debt.”

She glanced around the room for a moment; seeming to think it over; then looked back to me. “Sounds like a good plan.” She said, her tone oddly cheerful for our surroundings. “So, what’s the sword say?”

“I am your sword and shield.” I told her; ignoring the question about the sword’s script again; eying the leather armor she wore with some small amounts of distaste. _Why do I feel like I’ll be doing a lot of shielding?_

“Is that really what it says?” She asked. “Or were you just being formal about the debt thing?”

“The latter.” I said slowly.

“Ah.” She nodded, looking around the room again. “So, you don’t want to talk about the sword. Got it. Let’s see if we can’t find your gear and my stuff in these chests.”

 _Sounds like a plan_. I thought; almost disappointed that she’d dropped the issue of the sword so quickly. _Though if she might know the script perhaps it would be useful to admit that I don’t?_ I mused as I dropped into a chair by the only table in the room; flipping through the notebook left there; frowning over it. _Looks like the Justicar was trying to decode something_. Opening the small chest by the chair I noted it contained a small stack of books, quills, ink and strangely about four pieces of a lute. _Bard?_ I looked over at the woman as she searched the small line of chests on the other side of the room. _She said she’d been to the bard’s college. And the Justicar called her Bard._ I thought.

“Over here!” She called. “I might have found it. Looks like it’d fit you anyway.”

I nodded, rising from the chair. “You might want to check this chest out. Seeing as the Thalmor called you a Bard.” I said, leaving the lid open and walking over to the chest she was by; feeling relief as I recognized the contents. “Yes. This is it.” I murmured; glancing at the weapon rack nearby to see that they’d hung my bow there. Gathering my gear, I watched my rescuer survey the contents of the small chest while I strapped my armor in place. After a moment she flipped through the book on the table and snorted.

“Right. Okay. Yup. Grabbing all of this.” She said briskly; rising; shoving the books in her pack haphazardly; dropping one on the ground; picking up the pieces of the lute; frowning over it. “No salvaging this.” She murmured; her voice low. “Damn it. At least my songbooks made it. Can’t find my damn armor or weapons either. Fucking Thalmor.”

I stepped forward and grabbed the one that had fallen on the ground; turning it so I could see what it said. The script looked vaguely familiar and I frowned at it; flipping to the next page; feeling my eyebrows rise as I registered the title of the song written below it. _The Akaviri and the Blades?_ I wondered.

“I’ll… I’ll take that please.” She said, holding out a hand; her expression hard to read.

“Do you know this language?” I asked; flipping back to the previous page; holding it out toward her.

She took it and looked down, skimming the page. “Yes.” She responded, closing the book and shoving it into her pack as well; lifting it and settling it over her shoulders; looking down at the pieces of lute for a long moment. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Don’t want to tell me what it says?” I wondered. _Payback for my sword?_

“I don’t want to linger here.” She responded. “We can talk about it when we make camp. I’m on a bit of a deadline actually. Need to be getting an artifact from a tomb above Riverwood. Something called the Dragonstone.”

“Who wants something like that?” I asked as we started back down the stairs.

“The court wizard of Whiterun; Farengar.” She responded. “The Jarl gave me a week to get it. Took me day and a half to get here. Two days to Riverwood puts me at 3-1/2 days. Half a day or so to clear the tomb maybe? Maybe a day. Gives me a couple days of wiggle room.”

“So, you came down just for gear?” I wondered; following her up some stairs; noting the dead Thalmor dotting rooms as we passed; no sign of another living being. “You came down here alone?”

“Yes. Keep watch though; just in case I missed any Thalmor.” She murmured. “And yes, to the gear. I wanted my song books and lute. I heard whispers that there was a small group of Thalmor acting out of this prison and since it was the Thalmor that decided I ought to be executed I thought I’d pay them a visit. See if they had my things here. Wasn’t expecting that Justiciar to recognize me.”

“You didn’t recognize him?” I asked curiously. _And executed for what? How did you survive?_

She shook her head. “No.”

“Mistaken identity perhaps.” I suggested.

 _There’s something she’s not telling me._ I thought; watching her face as she pushed the door open to the outside with a shrug. Stepping outside I took a deep breath; closing my eyes for a moment; letting the sun hit my face. _Gods that feels good_. I thought. After moment I opened my eyes to see the woman sitting on the edge of the half-crumbled walkway; reading one of the books we’d pulled; her brow furrowed with concentration; the sun picking up the red in her hair. She looked up. “Ready to go?” She asked.

“Yes.” I responded. “What is your name anyway? You never did introduce yourself.”

She flushed crimson. “Sorry about that.” She murmured. “I’m Silka.”

“You’re a bard?”

“I am. Or was. At the moment I have no lute so I’m going back to my artifact finding roots.”

“Treasure hunting.” I translated; amused by the description.

“For others. Treasure hunting for others.” She corrected, smiling.

 _She has an infectious smile_. I thought as I followed her along the edge of the river, watching her scramble easily over rough patches. _That is One advantage to light armor I suppose_. I thought. “Ah; that sun feels nice.” I said as we approached the road, reveling in the feeling of being free again.

She glanced over at me with a grin. “It is a beautiful day.” She agreed; shifting her pace so she was walking at my side.

“Did you stop anywhere near here on the way?” I asked, eying the sun.

“Yes. But halfway down a cliff. Not much room there for two people. Safer for one though.”

“Maybe we’ll find a cave then.” I suggested. “One we can clear out easily.”

“There’s always a catch.” She responded, pausing as we rounded a corner; looking toward the side of the road; hands tracking toward her axes.

I quirked an eyebrow as she moved a bit further and then heard it too; the unmistakable sound of boots scuffing on an uneven surface.

A few more paces and four roughly equipped folk spilled out of the brush. “Now ain’t this a surprise.” A burly Nord said, lifting his greataxe menacingly.

“Is it?” Silka asked mildly; not drawing her weapons yet and I wondered what she was waiting for as I rested my hand on the hilt of my blade.

“Hand over your valuables.” He ordered.

“Mm. That seems like a terrible idea.” She responded, her tone calm.

He reared back with his axe and she shook her head; flicking her hand quicker than I could follow and the three with him drew weapons as he crumpled; a knife lodged in his throat.

Drawing my sword, I noted that now she had drawn her weapons; an axe in each hand and she was moving fast to dodge to the side as the three rushed her; seeming in their anger to have momentarily forgotten me. _Works._ I thought; moving in; cutting one down easily as the bard danced around the other two; darting in to aim blows; darting out when the other would get closer.

 _She is Fast_. I thought; blocking as one of the two remaining saw me coming in and opted to go after me instead; swinging her sword at my head. It was a matter of moments to dispatch her and I turned to see that Silka was scanning the trees, axes still ready. She looked at me and nodded. “You hurt?”

I shook my head. “You?”

“Not really.” She said, crouching by one of the bandits to wipe her axes off and retrieve her knife; putting them away quickly before resting her fingers on a nasty gash on her arm; healing it with a pulse of white-gold magic.

I frowned; looking away; wondering what she considered a bad injury.

“Oh; I noticed your hesitation about being healed earlier so I thought I should let you know that I’ll only heal you if you’re in dire straights or you ask.” She said as she pulled the coin pouches from the bandits.

 _That’s both considerate and very observant of you_. I thought, giving her a sidelong look.

****

Not finding a suitable cave we set up camp off the road a way, rigging up two small lean-tos with a fire in front. It was surprisingly smooth working with Silka, and we had it prepped for the night rather swiftly. Sitting cross legged by the fire I stared into it for several long moments; not really thinking of anything. Silka sighed; pulling me out of my reverie and I looked up to see her flipping through one of the books; looking up at me as she put it to the side. “So how did the Thalmor manage to get the jump on you?” She asked.

“I was trying to find a way through Pale Pass but ever since Helgen and the rumors of dragons things have been locked up tight. So, I’d picked up a bounty contract and they ambushed me near the lake.” I explained. “Not entirely sure why to be honest. Although they were rather curious about the sword.”

“Rumors of dragons.” She muttered, rubbing her fingers over a nasty set of scars partially hidden by her left bracer. “Must’ve been nerve wracking.” She said at normal levels.

“Aye; but Brynjar taught me how to handle fear. Gives you a sharpness ya know? Having a little bit of fear in dangerous situations. Keeps ya from getting complacent.”

“I suppose that’s true.” She agreed, looking at the fire for a long moment. “You worried about the Thalmor coming after you again?”

I shook my head. “No. I figure it’s inevitable. But they’ll not be able to take me by surprise again. Live and learn, right?”

“Well; usually.” She responded, the glint of amusement in her eyes again. “Unless someone sets a memory spell on you and you forget more than half your life.”

“That sounds like a mixed bag.” I responded slowly. “Depending on what you’ve forgotten.”

“I suppose everyone has things they’d like to forget.” She let out a half laugh. “Even me ironically. But.” She shook her head. “If you forget. How do you keep yourself from making the same mistakes again?” She stood. “No use getting bogged down in it. You ok if I set an alarm spell for the night? Or would you rather stand normal watches?”

I frowned. “An alarm spell?” I asked. “How does that work?”

“It’s a spell that makes a noise if someone or something that means harm crosses the set boundary. Boundary size can change from 5 meters to about 500. Duration from about fifteen minutes to six hours. It all depends on how the caster casts it. And how strong they are.” She shrugged. “I know magic makes you uncomfortable so…”

“How did you figure that out?” I asked quickly.

“It was how you stiffened before agreeing to let me heal you. There was quite a vivid expression of distaste on your face. I guessed if you were uncomfortable with Restoration magic that other magic would be worse.”

“I believe I can handle this alarm spell of yours.” I said slowly, frowning anyway over the idea of being around more magic. _Not sure what to make of your ability to read me like that._

“Only if you’re sure.” She responded softly.

I grunted. “I’m certain.” I said flatly.

“Alright.” She agreed. “I’ll set it just before we retire for the night. No use expending the energy too early.”


	3. Imprinting Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silka and Kaidan start getting to know each other as they retrieve the Dragonstone for Farengar and discover just how bad Silka's memory loss is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own these characters. They belong to Bethesda and the creator of the Kaidan 2 mod.
> 
> I'm not the happiest with this chapter but it has information that I felt the fic as a whole needed. 
> 
> Also: I will normally just upload on Fridays so I don't run out of buffer chapters but I have a handful that are at least mostly edited so. Yup.
> 
> Another note: The Riverwood lodge for my fic was inspired by Anna's Riverwood Cabin mod by Anduniel on Nexus.

Memories:

Silka: On the road

“Now was there something you wanted to know?” I asked; sitting cross-legged on the ground; giving Kaidan my full attention; resisting the urge to search through the books again.

“Were you at the prison?” He asked.

I shrugged. “I don’t remember.”

“Alright…” He frowned. “Why’d the Justicar think you were dead?”

I flinched and let out a long breath. “They sent me to Helgen when I was no longer useful. Dragon showed up and wrecked the place before I could be executed.” I said shortly.

“Wow. That’s. That’s damn lucky.”

I gave him a long look. “Was it?

“You survived, didn’t you?” He asked; looking slightly surprised by my lack of enthusiasm.

“I suppose I did.” I said slowly. “But so many didn’t. I don’t even know if the kid I pulled off the road made it.”

“Were you badly injured?” He asked, his voice softer now.

I grimaced. “I was banged up. Can’t remember how many injuries were prior to Helgen though. Guessing my hands happened with the Thalmor but not sure otherwise.”

“Y’know. If you know something about the Blades or the Akaviri that could be a reason why they opted to detain you in the first place.” He pointed out.

“I think the correct terminology right now is knew. If I knew anything about the Blades or the Akaviri which… I probably did as the spell didn’t seem to have extended to languages. And I can read Akaviri.”

“You can read it?” He asked, his eyes wide.

I nodded, covering a yawn with the back of my hand. “I can.” I pulled out one of my journals and the notebook I’d found on the table. “Now oddly it doesn’t seem as though the Justiciar we killed today could read it. Which strikes me as odd for some reason. But I digress. He thought it was code.” I flipped the notebook around, showing it to Kaidan. “He was trying to translate a random page in this journal. He fucked it up beyond recognition though.” I mused.

“So, are those your journals?” He asked.

“Yes. I verified it by looking at some of the more recent ones which contain memories I do have. I also found a stack of letters addressed to me tucked into one of them. So.”

“What will you do now?”

“Look through this in the hopes I knew the person who cast the spell. See if I mentioned it in any of my earlier journals. See if I can remember it after I’ve read it.”

“Why wouldn’t you remember what you’ve read?”

I closed my eyes for a moment. “I don’t know. It may be part of the spell.”

“So, you can read and write Akaviri. Can you speak it? Why do you keep your journals in Akaviri?”

I smiled. “I think so but I’m not entirely sure. I doubt there are many people who can speak it. As to why I keep my journals in Akaviri. No idea.”

“Fair enough. I’m going to get some sleep.” He muttered, laying out his bedroll and laying down.

“Sleep well.” I murmured; flipping through the journals; finding the first one based on dates and settling down to read about my past.

After a couple of hours, I gave up; frustrated with forgetting everything as soon as I turned the page. _Why isn’t it working?_ I thought; feeling tears fill my eyes. Dashing them silently away I set the alarm spell and laid down, staring up at the stars.

****

A splash of rain woke me, and I scrambled quickly to roll up my bedroll and put it away; looking across the remains of the fire to see that Kaidan was sitting cross-legged by it; his gear already packed. “Thinking of heading out in the rain or looking for shelter?” He asked.

I considered the sky as I rose, frowning at a sudden crack of thunder. “Shelter.” I said darkly. “I’d rather not get struck by lightning. How long have you been awake?” I asked as we took to the road.

“About an hour.” He responded. “Figured you had read some in your journals before sleeping so thought I’d let you sleep longer.”

“I did so I appreciate it.” I replied, startling at a nearby bolt of lightning, rubbing spots out of my eyes. “See anywhere to take shelter yet?” I called.

He shook his head. “Not yet.”

“Damn.”

Close to an hour later we found a relatively shallow cave, chasing out the skeever that had been hiding inside. “Tell me something. Are you native to Skyrim?” He asked.

“Far as I know.” I responded easily; helping clear a spot for a fire; shivering in my wet armor.

“I figured since you were a Nord it was an easy guess.”

“Hedging your bets, were you?” I asked; somewhat amused as he started coaxing the fire to start; not bothering to tell him I knew one Destruction spell that would make it faster. _I hate Destruction magic for some reason and I’m betting he hates it as well_. I thought.

“Of course.” He responded, half smiling. “What’s your family like?”

I blew out a long breath. “I have no idea.” I said, keeping my tone bright although I felt tears smarting the corners of my eyes. _I’ve been losing even more of my memories prior to about six years ago. Why? WHY?_ I thought; trying to keep my face straight. _I barely know you. You don’t need to know. It won’t impact our work together… right?_ I wondered; feeling a little uneasy; wondering if there were potentially dangerous things in my past.

“So, you weren’t joking. About losing your memory.” He mused. “How much did you lose? If you don’t mind my asking.”

“About sixteen years.” I said softly. “And it seems to be getting worse. Little patches of memory I had from when I was a child that had nothing to do with the trigger are fading. And…” I trailed off.

“And what?” He asked; his red eyes concerned.

“I spent over an hour reading my journals last night but as soon as I looked away from the page, I forgot what I’d read. Unless it was something that happened in the last six years.”

He shook his head. “Damn that’s rough.”

I shrugged a shoulder; grimacing at the wet leather; moving my hands to the straps. _Need to dry this out_. “Anyway. Why were you hoping to head into Cyrodiil?” I asked as I shed my wet armor; setting it near enough to the fire that it would start drying; laying out my bedroll to ensure it would be dry enough to sleep in. _Was hoping Not to use one of my grace days_. I thought. _But that is what they’re for_.

“I’ve just about exhausted my lead for answers in Skyrim and thought I’d start over in the last place Brynjar and I lived.” He said.

“Search for answers about what?” I asked curiously.

“My sword.” He said after a long moment. “My heritage. They seem to be connected but I have no answers. That's why I thought to try again where I started.” He explained; sitting cross-legged by the now cheerful fire; his armor and bedroll laid out as well.

Taking a deep breath, I forced myself not to look him over too obviously. _Damnit he is attractive. Maybe I should put myself in danger on purpose so we can part ways before I get distracted from figuring out this memory thing_. I thought before another thought occurred to me. “You know. I am a member of the Bard’s College. I could help you have a straightforward discussion with Giraud.”

“Giraud?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Giraud Gemane. He’s the Dean of history at the Bard’s College. He might have some answers about your sword. Or could point us in the direction of somewhere to get them. If he doesn’t know then the Dean of the College might know. Viarmo is brilliant and knows a lot about just about every subject.” I shook my head. “The only other option I can think of is the College of Winterhold.”

He visibly recoiled and I nodded. “I figured that would be your reaction. So. Bard’s college first?”

“You’d really help me with this?” He asked curiously.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because you need help, and I might be able to provide it. Do I need another reason?”

“Have you forgotten that we’re traveling together because I owe you already? How would this not add to my debt?”

“Think of it this way. I need to return to the Bard’s college sooner or later. You’d just be accompanying me.” I suggested.

He sighed heavily, narrowing his eyes. “Fine. Fine.”

“Sounds like a plan then.” I responded, pulling out some dried meat and offering some to him. “Oh; forgot to give you your portion of the coin we acquired from the bandits yesterday.” I said, passing the coin pouch over.

He shook his head, staring into the fire for a long moment. “Did you figure out why you write in Akaviri?”

I startled then sighed. “If I did. I can’t remember.” I said softly.

“I am sorry to hear that.” He said, his voice sounding sincere.

“Thanks. I appreciate it.” I murmured; staring into the fire; feeling my ribs twinge in pain as I forced myself not to jerk when the flames reminded me harshly of Helgen; the scent of burnt flesh and blood in my nose. Shuddering I wrapped my arms tightly around my knees and buried my face in them.

“You alright?”

“I’m fine.” I said shortly; muffled by my knees.

“Thinking about Helgen?” He asked.

I shifted my position, glancing up with a frown. “Astute observation.”

He chuckled. “Not really. Seemed the most likely thing for you to be thinking about. That or your memories.”

“Mm. Fair. It’s a little sad though. Having sixteen years of memories I’d give anything to have back and at the same time almost wishing I could forget a memory from last week.”

“Almost wishing?” He queried, studying a bit of material in his hands.

“Well, there are things about that day that I’d like to relay to Viarmo and Giraud.” I explained. “Like how the dragon scales were put together. Things like that.”

He smiled. “You truly are formidable.”

“How so?”

“Ah. Don’t worry about it.” He said quickly.

I raised an eyebrow but when he didn’t look back up from what he was carving I shook my head and turned my attention to my newest journal; glad that I hadn’t lost my ability to write and read Akaviri at least. _Here’s hoping it helps break up the flashbacks. Maybe getting it all down will help keep them at bay_. I thought.

Bleak Falls Barrow

“Giant Frostbite spiders. How do they survive in places like this?” I murmured. “I can’t imagine that treasure hunters are in here That often.”

“Skeevers probably.” Kaidan suggested. “They’re pretty common around here.”

“But wouldn’t they eventually stop?” I shook my head. “Meh. It’s dead now so I’m not going to worry about it much longer.” I said, moving toward the broken web by the door. “How far ahead do you think the thief got?”

“No idea.” He responded. “There a reason you didn’t just shoot him?”

“I figure that he’ll take care of some of the traps or other dangers.” I said sweetly. “Take some heat off of us.”

He shook his head. “Cold.”

“And just shooting him isn’t?” I responded, moving through the darkness. Kaidan coughed and I gave him a sidelong look. “You alright over there?”

“I hate this scent.” He replied, waving a hand toward the deeper rooms.

“Ah. Agreed. But it shouldn’t take us overly long.” I paused as I heard a deep growling sound and with a sigh drew my axes. “Either he didn’t make it very far or he woke the Draugr up on his way past.” I murmured; moving forward a few steps; watching the Draugr approach. Dispatching the three in the first room I nearly stumbled over the dead thief; shaking my head as I checked his bag; finding a journal and a golden claw ornament. “He didn’t make it far.” I muttered; passing the claw up to Kaidan while I skimmed the journal.

“Says the answer is in the palm of your hand.” I read, studying it a bit more. “He didn’t figure it out past that.”

Kaidan turned the claw toward me; showing animal shapes carved into the palm of the claw. “Bet it means these.”

“That doesn’t seem very secure.” I responded, rising away from the thief and heading toward the next room; carefully stepping around a pressure plate.

“No, it doesn’t.” He agreed; moving in fast past me to drop a Draugr stepping down from an alcove; turning and blocking a second one as I came in with my axes and cut it down. “Do you always chat this much while going through Nordic ruins?” He asked.

I flushed and shook my head. “No. But then I rarely have company through them.”

“You sure? Sure you didn’t just forget that?”

I scowled. “I’m sure Kaidan. Thanks.” I snapped.

“When did you pick up treasure hunting?”

“About six years ago.” I responded, moving in with him to drop another Draugr; holding up a hand as we approached a small room. Pulling my bow free I moved silently forward, nocking an arrow and taking aim at the currently closed coffin. Taking another step forward I watched the lid start to fall and loosed the arrow; watching the Draugr fall; nocking another as it started to get back up. My second arrow pierced its skull and it stilled. “I’ve seen those kinds of sarcophagi before.” I explained when Kaidan gave me a questioning look.

About an hour later we came to a large door with animal symbols on it; Three rings. “What’s the pattern on the claw?” I asked; standing on tiptoe to reach the top ring when Kaidan laughed softly and stepped forward pushing the ring himself; looking down at me with a smile.

“You can ask for my help with such things.” He pointed out.

I flushed. “Thanks.” I responded dryly; trying not to notice how close he was standing; flushing further when he didn’t move until we had all the runes lined up to match the claw. Putting the claw palm down into the central key I twisted it; forcing myself not to jerk back and bump into Kaidan when with the sound of old stone grinding against old stone it sank slowly down into the floor.

“Be wary. Who knows what we’ll find in here?” Kaidan whispered as we moved into the burial chamber.

“A comforting thought.” I replied, turning my attention to the wall behind the sarcophagus on the platform in front of it. “Why is the Word Wall glowing?” I wondered, keeping my voice low.

“Why is the What glowing?” He asked; looking around; his hands flexing on his sword hilt.

“The word wall.”

“I know what a word wall is. And it’s not glowing.”

“Yes, it is.” I hissed. “And whispering.”

He gave me another confused look and with a low sigh I crept forward; reaching a hand out to tap the glowing word when light flashed brilliantly in my face and the single word burned itself into my mind with a searing flash of pain. Biting my lip to keep from crying out I pressed my arm over my eyes; trying to clear the tears of pain when scraping stone alerted me and I turned; blinking hard as Kaidan moved toward the sarcophagus.

The lid of the sarcophagus hit the floor with a loud bang, and I moved forward with Kaidan; staggering back as the Draugr levered itself out and Shouted. “Fus!”

With a roar Kaidan slammed his sword into its shoulder; cleaving down into its midsection; pulling back and turning; prepping to hit it again as I moved forward; axes ready just in case. _No need_. I thought as it crumpled. _Well don’t I feel useless?_ Replacing my axes; trying to ignore the trembling I felt in my limbs; I approached the Draugr; crouching down by it and studying it. _That word it said. The Shout. That’s the word that the wall burned into my brain._ Glancing in the sarcophagus I pulled out a rock with a familiar shape on it. “Is this a map of Skyrim?” I murmured.

Kaidan came over at looked at. “Looks like it could be. But what are all the markings?”

“Dunno.”

“Let’s get it back to Farengar then.”

“A sound plan.” I agreed. “Spend the night in the Riverwood Lodge though? Rather than waking folk up in the middle of the night?”

He nodded and we moved off. I breathed a sigh of relief when a staircase at the back proved to be a shortcut out of the barrow. Scrambling down the mountain in the dim light I found an inexplicable cheer as we traversed the wooded area.

Reaching the lodge, we wandered through it; checking if anyone else was about before sitting down to eat something.

“What happened before?” Kaidan asked softly.

“Hmm?” I asked.

“By the word wall. It looked like you were in pain.”

“I was. I told you the damn thing was glowing and then it seared a word into my brain.” I snapped; irritated at the whole thing.

“Really? I thought you were jesting.”

“In the middle of a burial chamber?” I asked, rolling my eyes. “No.”

He shrugged. “I’m still learning.”

“I’ll be alright.” I said softly; somewhat thrown off by the comment; _learning about what?_ I wondered, covering a yawn. _About me? My idiosyncrasies?_ “I’m going to get cleaned up before bed though. There’s a good spot by the anvil.”

“That’s going to be cold.” He pointed out.

“I’m a Nord Kaidan. Cold is normal for me.”

He raised an eyebrow and shook his head. “Alright Silka. If you say so.”

“Did you want the upstairs bed? I can take one of the ones downstairs.” I offered.

He shook his head. “Neither of those beds looked very comfortable. And the one upstairs is large enough for both of us. With room to spare. If you’re willing to trust me.”

I considered it then shrugged. “Well; you haven’t proven untrustworthy these past couple of nights. And I can always use magic if I proved to be wrong about you.” _I think. I’m not sure I have much in the way of offensive spells. Fairly sure I have a light spell though. I’d just shine that in his face_. I thought, grinning at the look on his face before rising. “I’ll be back.”


	4. Nightmares and Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan finds himself blindsided by his swift attraction to his traveling companion.  
> Silka has a rough night  
> Sleep deprived Kaidan has no filter; but he means well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all like this one. Changed up quite a bit of dialogue to try and make it flow this story better.  
> Still don't own Skyrim or Kaidan. (Bethesda and Livtempleton have that pleasure).

Kaidan: Riverwood Lodge

Shivering slightly as I sat down after getting washed up myself, I sighed; figuring I’d sit by the fire for a while; working steadily to finish the carving I was working on. _Maybe I ought to go downstairs instead_. I mused. _Might make her more comfortable. Might make me more comfortable._ I thought; mind going to the moment in the barrow at the puzzle door. _Fuck. What was I thinking?_ I wondered. _It didn’t seem to make her uncomfortable though. Not much anyway. Just made her blush again. Bah. It’ll be fine._ I decided; rising and heading up the stairs; pausing at the top; noting that Silka appeared to be asleep; a thin blanket pulled up to her neck. Putting my pack down I sorted through it; finding my spare blanket and carrying it over to the bed; pausing; looking down at the sleeping woman. _She looks so fragile somehow. Even though I spent all day today being reminded repeatedly how deadly she is with bow and axe_. I thought; spreading my blanket over her; resisting the urge to reach down and trace the scars on her face. _Hands to yourself Kai._ I scolded myself; stepping back a pace; watching her sleep for a long moment. _Why did she decide to help me?_ I wondered. _She didn’t have to release me. I’m certain it made it easier to kill the rest of the Thalmor, but I’ve seen her fight. She’s clever. She’d have found a solution to being outnumbered three to one. Gods know I can’t sneak well so she’d likely have just waited and picked them off as they left. Why did she agree to help me? And why then agree to let me join her? She doesn’t know me well. I could mean her harm. Why is she so Good? How is she so Good? After everything she went through even in this last month. And whatever gave her those scars…_

Stripping down to my undergear I changed into a clean pair of pants and pulled my main blanket free of my pack; moving to the clear side of the bed and lying down; turning so I could see my companion. _There’s something about her that intrigues me. Doesn’t hurt that she’s fucking gorgeous. Well. That might make things difficult in the long run. Maybe. She does use magic; and she openly threatened to use it against me so that’s a buffer against attraction. Granted she’s yet to use conjuration or destruction magic. And she indicated she’d only turn it against me if I turned on her first but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. Just like Rosalind_. I thought pessimistically when she jerked in her sleep; her breathing becoming faster. I frowned; lifting myself up a bit; watching her. _Nightmare._ I thought as she shifted. _I don’t know if I can do anything to help her. I could try waking her up_. Taking a deep breath, I lifted my hand then lowered it slightly. _Don’t touch. She might react badly._

“Silka.” I called, keeping my voice even. “Silka. You’re dreaming.”

She jerked again; this time her eyes opening, and I felt my breath quicken at the pain and vulnerability in her eyes; the urge to ease the pain somehow at the forefront of my thoughts. “Kaidan.” She said softly then sighed. “Sorry.”

I felt my brow furrow. “Sorry for what?” I asked as she sat up; letting out a low breath as I noted the extent of the claw marks on her shoulder. _Something got her bad. I’m surprised it didn’t kill her. I really want to know that story. Especially with the one on her arm as well_. I thought then felt my mouth dry when she shifted, and I noted the edge of what appeared to be more claw marks on her back. _Now I definitely want the story_. I thought. _Does she remember what happened? Did they happen within the last six years?_

“Sorry if I woke you.” She responded, turning back with a half-smile.

I shook my head. “You didn’t.” I replied. “I got distracted; just laid down.”

“Then your timing was perfect, and I thank you.” She said, her voice cheerful.

I narrowed my eyes. _That cheer sounds forced. She trusts me to share a bed with her without doing anything untoward but won’t trust me with the nightmare… Perhaps if I ask._ “What was it?” I asked.

“Mm?” She sighed. “Half remembered things.” She shook her head. “Trust reoccurring nightmares to cut through the spell but I can’t remember my own twin’s face.” She muttered; looking away; lifting a hand to her face and I guessed she was wiping away tears.

I lifted a hand; half reaching toward her and stopped. _Don’t. Just. Just don’t_. I thought; forcing my breathing to remain even as I shook my head and reached for her shoulder anyway. Her left hand shot up and grabbed my wrist and I winced. _Damnit. I overstepped_. She turned; her gaze calm although her eyes were bright with unshed tears.

“Don’t.” She said softly. “I appreciate the gesture, but nobody touches those scars.”

“My apologies.” I responded, the curiosity burning even hotter as she nodded and released my wrist before lying back down; pulling the blankets tightly to her chest and I wondered if she realized she’d left her back partially uncovered. “If you don’t let anyone touch your scars how do you…” I trailed off; cheeks heating as I realized I’d said that out loud. _What is wrong with me?_

She sighed heavily and rolled over; sitting back up; the blankets slipping down to her waist. “Are you seriously asking me about my sex life?” She asked; her cheeks flushed, and I felt a jolt go through me as I realized the flush tracked down to her breasts; looking away quickly.

“I…” _Fuck._

She rolled her eyes. “Look. When you’re paying for sex no one cares if you wear a shirt. Especially if you’re not adverse to tipping and tipping well.”

“My apologies.” I said again. “I’ll just go to sleep now.” _I’m surprised that someone with your charms has to pay for sex. Unless._ I glanced at her. _Unless you’re looking to avoid entanglements. And the question there now is… why?_

“Probably for the best.” She responded, her eyes sparkling with amusement.

“You’re not angry with me?” I wondered; thoroughly confused.

“Not this time.” She shook her head. “You’re tired. You didn’t mean to say that out loud by the way you reacted. You tried to comfort me, and you gave me a blanket. You didn’t have to do either of the last two.” She explained.

 _You are a very forgiving person_. I thought; but just nodded and laid down; forcing myself to close my eyes before I was tempted to look at her further. _Fuck. What is wrong with me?_ I wondered, berating myself for my errors. I felt the bed shift slightly as she laid back down and cracked an eyelid open; opening my eyes completely as I registered she’d lain down with her back to me. I studied her scars; noting that the way she lay had tugged the dress down slightly and I frowned as I registered that there definitely were claw marks that disappeared down the back. _What would it take to make you comfortable enough to tell me that story?_ I wondered. _Guess I’ll have to stick around until she trusts me enough to tell me_. I decided; closing my eyes and letting myself drift; satisfied with my resolve.

Jerking half-awake from one of my usual nightmares I heard a soft voice singing something. Trying to make out the words without opening my eyes I found myself getting more and more drowsy; falling readily back to sleep; the screams in my head fading away.

The rich scent of cooking pork woke me, and I marveled at how refreshed I felt. Opening my eyes, I sat up; not too surprised to find that the other half of the bed was empty. Looking around the small room with a frown I relaxed a hair when I heard noise from downstairs. Just in case it wasn't Silka I rose and moved that direction, sword on my back. Halfway down I caught a glimpse of wavy auburn hair and relaxed; sitting down on the steps; listening to Silka sing as she stirred something over the fire. _It was your voice I heard when the nightmare started waking me._ I thought. _How is it that it soothed me so easily?_ I wondered, watching her move between the table and the fire. She was still wearing the dress she’d slept in and I couldn’t stop my gaze from dropping to her hips as she swayed them for a moment; lost in her music.

 _Mage remember?_ I thought as I found my thoughts wandering toward how it would feel to put my hands on those hips. _Still. There’s something about her_. I thought; watching her lift the pot from the fire and put it on the table; planting her hands on her hips before nodding decisively as she ended her song.

My mouth dried when she started humming a new song as she walked over to the food stores; swaying her hips again; moving her whole body in time with the music. _Fuck_. I thought; certain she hadn’t heard me come down the stairs. Rising I finished walking down the stairs; purposefully making a little extra noise toward the bottom. She whirled; turning scarlet and I raised an eyebrow as I forced my gaze to remain on her face; not track down again. “Morning.” I greeted.

She spun back to the food stores. “Morning.” She replied. “How are you feeling?”

“Refreshed.” I responded honestly, moving toward the table.

“Excellent. We’ve got to head off to Whiterun after breakfast. Speaking of; while I find what I’m looking for do you mind dishing it up?”

I smiled; splitting the porridge between two bowls; noting that the scent that had woken me was indeed pork and divided that up as well. Turning away from the table I shook my head; crossing my arms over my chest as Silka went on tiptoe by the food stores. Letting out a low laugh I moved in her direction. “I know I mentioned this yesterday. I can help you reach things while we travel together.”

She laughed merrily, glancing over her shoulder at me. “I know but old habits die hard.” She responded.

“What are you looking for anyway?” I asked; stopping about a foot from her; warmed by the laughter.

“Delphine told me they kept a stash of honey on the top shelf. I like my porridge a bit sweet.” She said, turning her attention back to the shelf.

I shook my head again; moving in closer as I surveyed the baskets and jars. Finding the honey jar I reached up and pulled it down as she turned. Lifting the lid, I sniffed it, considering the scent. _I don’t know that I’ve ever sweetened my porridge. Maybe Brynjar did when I was a child_. I thought; somehow doubting it. Looking down at Silka I raised an eyebrow. “You like sweet food then?” I asked.

“Some.” She responded. “It depends.” She added, reaching out her hands for the jar.

I smiled and turned away. “Depends on what?” I asked as she made a small, vexed noise in her throat before following me.

“What the food is. I don’t like cloying sweetness.” She said, sitting at the table; surveying the amount I’d given her; tilting her head slightly. “Can I have the honey please?”

I grinned as I sat across from her, passing the jar over. “Of course.”

Shaking her head; a flicker of amusement in her eyes she lifted a spoon and scooped some out; drizzling it on her grains; lifting an eyebrow as she fished out a little more. “Want any?”

I shook my head. “No thanks.”

She shrugged and popped the spoon in her bowl. “Alright.”

“How long have you been awake?” I asked curiously.

“Few hours. Wanted to get some study in; some potions made.”

“Oh? What were you studying?”

She shrugged. “An alteration spell.” She responded, not meeting my eyes. “Figure it’ll come in useful in combat.”

“What does it do?” I asked suspiciously. _Interesting how open she was about using magic to defend herself while tired but is much more concerned with how I perceive it when she’s more awake. I wonder why?_

“It’s called oakflesh. It’ll give me an added layer of protection.” She explained.

“Oak Flesh?”

“It doesn’t literally turn my skin to oak, but it gives similar levels of protection. Changes how it looks for a time too. Probably also how it feels but… changes my fingertips too so. Helps my grip. But at the moment only last about thirty seconds.”

I frowned. “Show me.”

“After breakfast.” She responded, turning her attention back to her food.

I sighed but didn't press it, turning my attention back to my own food. Gathering the dishes, I rose; noting that there was a basin already set up for washing. _She doesn’t like to waste time, does she?_ I wondered as she came over as well.

“Mm. Tell me more about you while we work?” She asked. “If you want.”

 _She wants to learn more about me_? I thought, giving her a long look. _Hmm_. “Alright. I was raised by a Nord Bounty Hunter. Traversed across large portions of Tamriel. Learned to fight before I could read.”

“You’ve mentioned a Brynjar. Was that who raised you?”

“Yes. He was a fierce fighter. Gave me the foundation of all my fighting skills. Took me on hunting trips.” I smiled as I recalled my thirteenth birthday and continued. “Occasionally left me in the wilderness to make my way back to civilization. Always testing my survival skills.” I explained, reminiscing with fondness for the man.

“Sounds like a harsh childhood.” She murmured.

“I suppose.” I agreed; turning so I was leaning against the wash basin; watching her as she finished drying the dishes. “I think he was running from something but whenever I asked, he brushed it off. Said he’d tell me later. But he died before telling me anything.” _Bastard_. I thought; my mood souring.

She looked up at me, giving me a soft smile. “Perhaps he was trying to protect you from something as well.” She suggested.

“Maybe. Would have been more useful to me if he’d told me though.”

“Probably. But perhaps he thought he’d have more time.” She mused.

“He could have at least told me something about my mother other than that she was beautiful and kind and carried a sword that the Thalmor are interested in.” I muttered.

“Is that where you got the sword?” She asked. “Your mother?”

“Brynjar claimed it belonged to her, but I have no other information.” I responded, uncertain why I was sharing so much with her. _You’re too easy to talk to_. I thought. _I could easily see myself losing track and telling you everything. It’s a strange feeling._

“Hence your trying to restart at the beginning.” She said, moving away from the wash basin. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For being willing to share. Was there something you wanted to know about me?”

 _There are a great many things. Mostly about your scars. But that seems like a bit too personal right now._ “You mentioned you have a twin. Do you remember anything about him?”

She shook her head. “No. I know if someone were to say his name that I’d recognize it.” She pressed a hand to the back of her head, flushing.

 _It is ridiculously easy to make you blush. Why do I find that so Fucking attractive?_ I wondered. “How about this? We focus on getting your memories back first. Then you can tell me your whole life story.”

Her flush deepened. “Fair enough. Although. Singing seems to have helped some. Getting some vague recollections. Perhaps if I find a lute to replace the one the Thalmor broke…” She mused; tapping her fingers against her arm scars in a manner I suspected was an unconscious habit.

“Sounds good. Now. About that spell. I would like to see it, so I know what it looks like outside of combat first.” I said, trying to keep the discomfort out of my voice.

“Alright.” She agreed; biting her lip and concentrating for a moment before flicking her fingers toward the ground and I let out a slow breath as her skin took on the appearance and color of oak bark.

“That’s certainly an interesting change.” I murmured; reaching out a hand; not able to resist the urge to touch her face this time; marveling at the feel of the spell. “That is fascinating.” I said softly; feeling curiosity outweighing my distaste for all things arcane; looking down at her; noting her stillness; her expression slightly troubled. “You alright?” I asked softly; my breath catching as the spell wore off and I was touching her normal skin; entranced by the contrast; pulling back reluctantly. _Damnit. I want to touch you more. I want to feel more. Fuck. Is it because you saved me? Or is it just because of how you look? How long it has been since I bedded anyone? Why am I so drawn to you?_ I wondered.

“I’m alright. Was worried it’d make you uncomfortable.”

“It would make me uncomfortable if you tried to cast it on me. But I don’t care nearly as much for spells that are used on the caster.” I said quietly.

“Ah. Good. So, no courage spell.” She said, grinning up at me. “Not that you’d need it.”

She sobered. “Not that I’d be comfortable using it on anyone without advance permission anyway. Seems… wrong. Won’t use frenzy either. Fear.” She quirked her mouth; her green-brown eyes serious. “Fear I’d use. But then it’s similar to the Battle Cry Nords are born with so.” She shrugged a shoulder.

“Fear?” I asked quietly, discomfort back.

She frowned. “It’s a useful spell for a solo traveler. Evens the playing field if you can get some of the enemy to run away from you.” She murmured. “And it isn’t permanent.”

I shook my head. _I won’t pretend to be comfortable with it_. I thought. “You do what you have to to survive.” I murmured.

She stilled; her expression growing distant. After a moment she nodded and then moved away toward the stairs. I turned and watched her go. _What have you seen?_ I wondered. _What was behind that expression?_

Staring at the empty stairs for a long moment I considered my traveling companion. _What was she like before she lost her memories I wonder? Was she this willing to help others?_


	5. Dragon Souls and Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First Dragon Soul.  
> Talking. Lots of talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own the characters that Bethesda and Livtempleton created.
> 
> So. My Grandpa died yesterday. I'm... Not coping well... Super shaky all day. I'm going to write a bloody scene into a one-shot to help the feelings settle.
> 
> You always think you'll have more time until you don't. If it hadn't been for Covid he could have met my kids. My oldest shares his middle name. 
> 
> If only I had sent that letter last month.

Silka: Western Watchtower

Walking toward Whiterun; coin purses a bit heavier I found myself nearly whistling as we took a shortcut through the fields. “It is a beautiful day today.” I said, taking a second to spin in a circle, face toward the sun.

“Aye.” Kaidan agreed; his expression hard to read.

“Something on your mind?” I asked curiously.

“Nothing really.” He said, keeping up with me easily as we moved. “Though I do have something to give you.”

I paused, giving him a considering look. “Oh?”

He nodded, passing over an ivory war horn. “It’s a Nord War Horn; carved from a bit of tusk. Use it if we ever get separated. I’ll hear it, and I’ll be able to find you.”

I lifted it up, examining the carvings. “Oh, it’s gorgeous.” I murmured. “Did you carve this?”

He half smiled. “Aye.”

I let out a low whistle. “Just beautiful.” I examined the ties for a moment then looped them through my belt; tying a quick release so I’d be able to get to it quickly; testing it a couple times; retying it once more. “I’ll try not to need it.” I promised, looking up at him with a smile.

“Aye. Probably for the best.” He agreed; returning the smile; his expression otherwise unreadable.

Shifting my belt slightly I frowned as I registered the heavier weight and looked down. “Oh. Forgot to sell the war pick.” I murmured, patting it. _It is pretty though._

“I thought you were planning on keeping it.” Kaidan mused.

“I had considered it…” I started; pausing as I felt a sudden sharp sensation in my chest; coming to a stop. _That was. That was. I…_ I turned toward the mountains; narrowing my eyes; shading them; trying to see.

“What’s wrong?” Kaidan asked, looking toward the mountains as well.

“This feeling. I got it before.” I looked over at him; fear overwhelming my thoughts. “At Helgen.”

“Helgen?” He repeated.

I nodded. “Yes. Right before. Right before the dragon showed up.” I looked again toward the mountains and felt my breath freeze as I registered the form on the horizon. “There.” I said, pointing it out to him.

“Where’s it headed?” He mused.

I tracked it for a moment, looking down then. “The watchtower.” Without thinking I started running that direction. “We have to warn them!”

“Silka wait!” He called, running after me.

“No time!” I ran as hard as I could, seeing and sensing the dragon getting closer. As I approached, I noticed the guards chatting by the door; speaking in low tones to each other.

“Dragon!” I cried. “Take cover!”

They startled; two of them moving in from the road; following my outstretched arm. One in the doorway grabbed the other and said something to him that made him start running as the rest drew bows. “Kynareth preserve us.” The guard in the doorway said.

“Gods help us.” The ones by the road murmured as it wheeled closer.

 _Got to distract it from the one they sent to Whiterun._ I thought, drawing my bow.

Kaidan grabbed my arm. “You don’t mean to fight it!?” He asked.

“Yes! To distract it from the runner.” I snapped. “Heavy bows. Go for wing joints!” I shouted. “Lighter bows. Go for webbing! Watch for fire!”

To my surprise the guards appeared to be listening to me as I nocked my first arrow.

“Mortals!” The dragon cried. “It has been too long!”

 _They can speak? Our tongue?_ I wondered; filing the new knowledge away as it hovered near the watchtower. A stream of fire angled toward the watchtower as I released my first arrow; immediately reaching for another one; the feeling in my chest stronger; almost a distraction though it blessedly gave me no pain. Moving away from the watchtower; tracking the dragon I half lost track of the guardsmen and Kaidan; releasing another arrow; frowning as that drew its attention. _Not enough damage!_ I thought as it dove down toward me. Tossing my bow to the side I yanked one of my hand axes out; shifting my weight and throwing it; rewarded with a wobble as it stuck in its face. It lurched forward as it landed roughly to the ground; lashing out with its tail at the guardsman who got too close. With a cry of rage, I sprinted toward it; drawing my second axe; dodging a snap from its teeth; grabbing the ridges above one of its eyes; leaping to its head. Dropping my axe, I drew the pick and drove its point into one of the dragon's eye; rocking my weight as it tried to dislodge me. Pulling the pick free I swung it down again; barely aware of anyone else around me. This time the pick lodged so I switched which hand was gripping scales and yanked my hand axe free; leaping neatly from its head I staggered as I hit the ground; readying my axe as it got a good look at me with its remaining eye even as it thrashed in its death throes.

“DOVAHKIIN!!!???” It cried. “NOOOOOO!!!!!”

 _Dovahkiin?_ I wondered as Kaidan ran to my side; grabbing my elbow and turning me to face him; his face marked with fury.

“What were you thinking?” He cried.

I frowned; organizing my thoughts when one of the guardsmen shrieked. “Look out!”

I jerked; looking toward the dragon as its scales crackled with a white gold light. Kaidan tugged on my elbow; pulling me back a couple of paces when the light pulled away from the dragon; spinning toward me bathing me in power. I dropped my weapon, feeling overwhelmed; feeling energy rush into me; crackling along my skin, singing in my blood; pressing into my bones. Taking a steadying breath, I staggered; dropping to my knees; feeling knowledge; knowing I could hardly dare to touch imprinting in my mind; the word that the word wall had burned into my brain flaring in my mind again and I _knew_ it. I knew I could use it. Holding the knowledge close to my chest I took several deep breaths before rising unsteadily to my feet.

“Are. Are you alright?” Kaidan asked; lifting my chin gently with his hand; turning my gaze toward him. “Are you hurt?”

“Strangely no. Not by that. Whatever it was.” I sobered as I looked around; noting the partial wreckage of the tower; the presence of the Housecarl and more guardsmen.

“By the Gods.” One of the new guardsmen said, his jaw dropped. “You. You. It’s impossible.”

“What’s impossible?” I asked.

“I’ve heard stories but... Not since Tiber Septim himself.”

“Speak clearly.” Irileth ordered; familiar soft white gold light surrounding a burn on her arm.

“Yes. Sorry Housecarl.” He looked at me again. “Do you know what you are?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“You’re Dragonborn.” He responded, his voice so matter of fact that it took a moment to process it.

I recoiled back a step when I finally made sense of his words. “I’m what?” I asked; the legends screaming into my mind. _When I said we needed a Dragonborn at Helgen I wasn’t volunteering!_ I thought; panic rearing its ugly head.

“Dragonborn.” He repeated. “Surely you’ve heard the legends.”

“Of course, I have.” I snapped. “But…” I looked at the dragon, now just a pile of bones and scales. “But…”

“Try to shout.” The guardsman suggested. “You’d be able to if you are.”

“Right. Yes, that would prove or disprove it.” I murmured, turning and looking over the terrain. Closing my eyes, I focused on the word from the wall; rolling it around on my tongue before opening my eyes; gathering my energy and Shouting “Fus!” I jerked with the word; startled by the ferocity. _This is… Not good. How am I supposed to deal with this? I barely even know who I am anymore!_

“I knew it.” The guardsman said, turning excitedly to the other guards.

“The Voice? Here?” Irileth whispered before she shook her head and walked over to me. “Silka. You’ve done Whiterun a great service here. Jarl Balgruuf needs to know what happened and I need to stay here for now. Head up to Dragonsreach. Tell the Jarl what happened.” She rested a friendly hand on my shoulder. “Whatever else happens. It was a pleasure to fight with you.” She said, her eyes bright still with adrenaline.

“Alright.” I agreed, moving away from her.

I hadn’t gone twenty paces when Kaidan caught up to me. “Hold on.” He said quickly; grabbing my elbow again; pulling me to the side of the road. “Let me see your hands.”

I frowned but lifted them up; shocked to see that they were covered in blood and minor cuts. “Dragon scales are sharp apparently.” I murmured.

He snorted, reaching into his waist pouch for something. “That was a foolish maneuver.” He snapped.

“It was instinctive.” I responded. “You know I can heal myself, right?”

“It was instinct to jump on a _Dragon_?” He asked; sounding outraged even as he gently dabbed a potion into my skin with a bit of cloth.

“Yes.”

“So, you really are Dragonborn then.” He said, muttering under his breath about my jumping on dragons.

“I… suppose.” I responded. “It certainly seems that way at least.” I murmured.

“Are you alright?” He asked softly as he bandaged my hands.

“No.” I said honestly. “It’s… a lot to take in.”

He sighed, putting the cloth and extra bandages away. “Aye. I can understand that. It’s incredible though isn’t it? You took its very life force. What did it feel like?”

I let my hands drop and turned back toward Whiterun. “It’s hard to explain.” I spoke. “It was like getting struck with pure energy. Like I’m sharing my body with the knowledge and power of another. It’s… I don’t know.” I crossed my arms over my chest; staring toward the mountains as I tried to make sense of it.

Kaidan gave me a sympathetic look. “You’ll figure it out. How did you know the dragon was nearby?”

“I’m going to guess that you didn’t get the feeling I said I did when we were heading this way earlier did you?” I asked. “Almost like a weight in your chest?”

“No.”

“Wonder if that’s a Dragonborn thing. Being aware of where dragons are.” I murmured; freezing as we neared the gates and a rumbling Shout rolled across the land.

“DO-VAH-KIIN!!!”

“Dovahkiin. Dragonborn.” I whispered. _No. No. No. It’s too much. I already have enough shit to deal with. It’s too much. I just want to go to Solitude. Talk to Viarmo. Get a new lute. I don’t want this_. I thought; forcing my legs to move again.

Dragonsreach

“This is incredible.” Farengar said, looking over the Dragonstone with a hooded woman. “You’re looking worse for the wear though. Was the barrow so difficult to delve in?”

“It wasn’t the barrow.” I muttered.

“Oh yes.” He sighed. “I wish I could have seen the Dragon. Was it incredible?”

“Ask the guardsmen about it.” I snapped. “I apparently have to go to High Hrothgar so. Must be going.” I said, moving to leave when I remembered I hadn't asked after any tomes. _Damnit. Now I'll have to apologize._

“Oh. Of course!” He responded, sounding a little surprised but mostly distracted.

I turned back. “My apologies for my tone.” I said quietly; continuing when he waved a hand dismissively. “I forgot to ask you while I was here before. Do you happen to have a copy of a healing hands tome I could buy? I need to refresh my knowledge if I’m traveling with others.”

“You’re a mage?” He asked; his expression showing his surprise as he looked up to meet my eyes; his associate leaving a sheaf of papers next to the stone as she straightened.

“To a degree.” I said quietly.

“Which schools?” He asked; his associate already forgotten as she moved toward the door with a shake of her head.

"Let me know when you've got that translation for me." She told him; snorting when he waved his hand toward her.

"Of course." He told her, looking back to me. "Which schools?" He asked again.

“Illusion, Alteration and Restoration.” I responded, uneasy with the conversation.

“Really? I’m a fan of Destruction myself. Quite a useful branch. I have some beginning spells if you wanted to see if you could mold your spark that direction.” He suggested brightly.

“No.” I responded, trying to keep my tone even.

“Are you certain? Then perhaps conjuration?” He asked.

I narrowed my eyes. “No.” _You're one of These mages._ I thought; irritated with the whole conversation.

“Are you absolutely certain? I could easily train…”

“I. Said. No.” I snapped. “Do you have the tome or don’t you?”

“My apologies.” He said, not sounding sorry in the least. “And yes. Sixty-eight septims.”

I counted out the coins and passed them over, accepting the book with a small nod. “Thank you.” I said harshly; turning away and walking toward the doors; not looking up at Kaidan as he moved with me. _It’s not the end of it. It never is with these types of mages_. I thought; forcing my thoughts back when a woman about my age moved to intercept us by the doors.

“Pardon me my Thane. My name is Lydia. I’ve been assigned as your personal Housecarl.”

“How delightful.” I murmured, keeping my voice very low. “I… see… um. Ah. Would you mind terribly asking about a bit around Whiterun for jobs that might afford me that house that’s for sale? I figure with how long it’ll take me to get to High Hrothgar you should find quite a few.”

Her face lit up. “Of course! And if I’ve your permission I could start on some of the less dangerous jobs myself.”

“Certainly. How you wish to spend your free time is entirely your concern.”

“Thank you, my Thane.” She said, moving away.

Exhaustion nipped at me; chipping away at my tenuous control as I pushed the doors open. “Stairs.” I murmured. “Why does it have to be stairs?”

Kaidan chuckled warmly from my side. “Did you want me to carry you?” He offered, a half-smile on his face.

I rolled my eyes, shaking my head. “No thank you.”

Reaching the Gildergreen I frowned as a brunette woman with slashed warpaint approached us; her eyes on me. _I know you. Or I should. Why do I know you?_ I wondered.

“Silka!” She greeted warmly. “It’s been a long time.”

“I suppose it has.” I responded, trying to work out what I knew of her. _Obviously either you or whoever I met you with has been impacted by the spell_. I thought, noting the slightly feral gleam to her eyes.

“Any news from your…” She frowned at Kaidan. “Family?”

I shook my head. “Not lately. No.”

“Pity. While Skjor professes not to care I’m certain Vilkas and Farkas would have been interested.” She smiled. “You finished your Bard training then? You’re not exactly kitted out as a bard.”

I shrugged as expressively as I knew how. “Sometimes things happen to change our path. Can’t always predict them.” I said as evenly as I could.

She nodded. “Fair. Oh. Is this yours?” She reached a hand back and pulled an arrow out of her quiver, passing it over.

I frowned at it; recognizing it as one of the steel arrows I’d looted at Helgen. “Yes.”

“Pulled that out of a Giant the day Helgen was attacked." She shook her head. "You’re wasted as a Bard Silka. You’d be better served to come talk to Kodlak about joining the Companions than hiding away in the Bards College for the next sixty years.”

“I like history.” I protested softly.

She laughed. “Yes. But. Your potential. And haven’t you always wanted what your family has?”

“You know what? Right now, I’m not sure.” I responded honestly. _Why don’t I just tell her I’ve lost my memories?_ I wondered; still skirting around it.

“Might allow you to keep Sarlfi from adding to your collection.” She said, gesturing toward my shoulder.

At the name Sarlfi I felt my muscles tense; glancing down at the scars she pointed at. _Sarlfi. Just another name I should know but have forgotten. And this one seems to be responsible for at least some of my scars?_ I frowned, crossing my arms over my chest. “Hmm.” I muttered.

“I mean there’s no guarantee you’d get that far but you’ve a reputation from your time as a treasure hunter and Nev told us so many stories. Although. I am surprised that he didn’t behead Sarlfi for giving you those scars. Ah well. Next time you have a minute you should come by Jorrvaskr. Tell us what happened to your face. Tell us how you ended up leaving home. What you've been doing for the past six years. Nev can't always get away to visit us and Gods know we could use some new stories around that place.” She said, turning toward what I vaguely recognized as Jorrvaskr, waving at me over her shoulder.

“So, you know the Companions.” Kaidan murmured. “And you’re a Thane now. Quite a lot of connections you have.”

I made a soft noise in the back of my throat, feeling overwhelmed. _I just wanted enough money to get to Solitude. Get a new lute. Get my memories back_. I thought. “I’m going to head back to the Riverwood Lodge. Seems like a good jumping off point for Ivarstead.” I responded, not looking at him.

He sighed and moved with me. “I’ll go back with you then. I’m not a terribly large fan of Whiterun anyway.”

That snapped me a bit out of my self-pity and I glanced over at him. “Why not?”

“The defenses are not well set up. The inner city has a good layout, but the walls are all but useless.”

“So, you would only feel comfortable in a city that had well-built walls?” I asked as we approached the gate.

“I suppose that is what it sounds like I’m saying.” He admitted. “You wouldn’t?”

“I don’t like walls.” I said flatly. “I tolerate Solitude because that’s where the Bard’s College is, but I’d much prefer to be out away from people.”

“How is it that you’re a bard who doesn’t like people?” He asked softly.

“We all have different talents.” I grumbled. _And I didn't used to dislike them so much._

“And how will you reconcile being a Bard with being Dragonborn?” He asked.

I tensed up; the overwhelmed feeling rushing back. “I don’t know.” I whispered. “I don’t know.” Swallowing back tears, I focused on the path in front of me. “Tell me something about you, would you?” I asked. “I’m tired of debating my bardic qualities.”

“In a moment. I actually wanted to ask you something.”

I bit back a sigh. _What now?_ “About?”

“Your conversation with the court wizard. You seemed rather upset when he suggested you learn those other fields of magic.”

I scowled. “I don’t like pushy people.” I grumbled. “Mages like that try to push you into their fields of study as though the others are worthless.”

“But you could become a conjurer if you wanted?” He asked; his tone hard to decipher.

I considered it. “If I studied for long enough. Possibly. It would reshape who I am though. As Farengar alluded to. Reshape my magical self.” I shook my head. “I’ve worked hard to hold onto what spells I can remember. I’m not about to throw that all away. Especially for a field I don’t like.”

“Why don’t you like it?” He pressed.

“Conjurers summon beings to do their bidding. And so many of them have the temptation of necromancy a stone’s throw away. Soul trapping people. I don’t like it.”

“So, it’s all morals with you? What of Destruction magic?”

I scowled. “Leave that to the Hagravens and their assistants.” I snapped, feeling a great upsurge of anger. “Why do you care anyway? You don’t even like magic.”

“True.” He agreed. “But there are certain fields I like least of all and I find it fascinating that you share a similar distaste for the same ones.”

I stopped walking for a moment; turning to face him. “Why do you dislike them?” I snapped.

He frowned at me. “I have my reasons.”

I shook my head, turning and resuming my walk. “Figures.” I grumbled. “Why couldn’t you just leave it alone when I said I disliked them then?” I snapped.

“Because unlike me; you can actually do magic.”

“That doesn’t make me a bad person Kaidan.” I muttered.

“I didn’t say it did.” He replied, his tone soothingly calm.

“No. I suppose you didn’t.” I admitted, feeling defeated. “Look. I’m. I’m exhausted. Can we please stop talking about my magic?” _I just need a quiet moment. Try and figure everything out. Just. Quiet. I just need quiet. Fifteen minutes. That's all I'm asking for._

“My apologies.” He rumbled; his expression changing to one of concern.

“Thanks.”


	6. Identifying the Enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan learns about some of the memories Silka has lost. Memories that pose a great danger to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bethesda and Livtempleton own Kaidan and the other Skyrim NPCs that I didn't make up.
> 
> Sorry this one is posting so late. I thought I had one more already edited chapter. Nope. Hopefully this isn't too rough.

Chapter Six: Identifying the Enemy

Kaidan: Riverwood

The rest of the walk back to the Riverwood Lodge was a subdued affair. I found myself sneaking more and more worried glances at my traveling companion. Gone was the cheer from this morning. In its place was trepidation and sorrow. _Why do you care so much already?_ I wondered. _You_ _’ve known her for less than a week Kai._ I mentally scolded myself. _And I pushed her rather rudely just now about her magical leanings._

As we neared Riverwood, she paused, turning toward the town itself rather than the lodge. “Might as well return the golden claw while we’re here and see if he’s got any charcoal. My supplies are running low.” She explained; her tone deadened.

“Use it all up in scribing in your journals?” I asked.

“Scribing and sketching.” She responded, pausing to pull her pack off and take one of her journals out. Putting her pack back she flipped through it and came closer to me to show me. “The teachers at the Bard’s College insisted we learn to sketch and memorize descriptions.”

“This is the dragon from Helgen?” I asked, staring down at it.

She nodded. “I hoped if I drew it, I would help take the edge off my nightmares.” She explained; some of the animation back in her voice.

“And?” I asked softly.

She shook her head. “Not really. But it hasn’t been that long yet either.”

“I suppose that’s true.” I agreed. _After this morning it_ _’s easier to imagine just what she went through facing that thing. And yet she ran right at that dragon. Can she have any doubts that she is truly Dragonborn?_ I wondered.

She tucked the book away and we started toward the Riverwood Trader again when she paused, shaking her head. “He should not be walking on that leg yet.” She muttered.

I looked the direction she was looking to see two young men conversing in a semi-secluded spot. The brown-haired man was standing oddly, and I guessed she was talking about him. “What happened?”

She sighed. “Those two escaped Helgen with me. You wouldn’t know it right now, but the blond is a Stormcloak and the brunet an Imperial Soldier.” She murmured, keeping her voice low. “Hadvar’s leg was severely injured and I healed it up to a point. Couldn’t do too much without getting an overdraw headache.”

“Overdraw headache?” I asked.

“When you drain down to your last dregs of magicka. Gives a mage terrible headaches. They usually don’t last too long. It depends on how often you overdraw.” She explained. “Of course, if you do it too often. Or use too many magicka potions it can be… bad.” She added softly, her expression thoughtful.

“I see.” I murmured; my mind going back to the moment when she’d healed me in the prison; the look on her face when she’d finished. _Did you overdraw to heal me? Why?_

“Oh well. He’s an adult. He can deal with the consequences.” She said decisively as she continued toward the trader. Stepping inside she approached the counter and frowned; hand moving fast to pull a piece of paper off it as the shopkeeper turned to face her.

“Welcome to the Riverwood Trader!” He said cheerfully. “Ah yes. The poster. Twenty-five gold to put it up. Most I’ve ever been paid to pass word along.” He said cheerfully. “Haven’t really had a chance to look at it myself though.” He added with a rueful expression.

“Lovely.” Silka said; her tone even flatter than it had been when we entered Riverwood. “I found something in Bleak Falls Barrow that I believe may belong to you.” She continued, pulling the claw out.

“You found it!” He exclaimed; “Excellent! I have some coin from my last shipment. Two hundred a solid enough reward?”

“Two hundred and this poster.” She countered.

He shrugged. “Done.” Crouching down he sorted through some things, the clink of coin just audible. “I do have connections with the banking guild if you wanted to turn some of your coin into credit notes. Be lighter.” He offered as he stood back up.

Silka shook her head. “Not necessary for now.” She responded then glanced at me. “Did you want to?”

“No.” I responded. _Not worth it yet._ I thought. _We don_ _’t have That much coin._

“Alright.” He said genially, passing over a pouch to each of us. “Figured you’d want to split it even so 100 in each.”

“Pleasure doing business with you. Now. To real business.” Silka said warmly and set about to haggling for some supplies.

I watched her work; able to believe that she had bardic training while she spoke with Lucan. _Should let her bargain for me when I need supplies as well._ I thought; worry coming back when she turned away and I noted how pale she was. _Please don_ _’t pass out._

Following her back out the door she looked at inn, biting her lower lip. “Probably. Damnit.”

 _“_ What was on the paper?” I asked softly.

She sighed and shook her head. “Bad news. Unfortunately, I don’t know How bad because memories but. Bad.” Frowning for a moment she sighed again and passed it over.

Taking it, I looked down and raised an eyebrow. On the top was scrawled Reward for Information and then a drawing of Silka. Beneath that there was a line naming her and the claim that she’d been missing and her betrothed Daggvar was concerned for her safety. _And there it is. She_ _’s betrothed. So, she does have family out there._ I thought, looking at her; trying to brush away the wash of disappointment.

 _“_ I need to check the inn. See if there’s one there too.”

 _“_ Why exactly?” I asked curiously.

She shook her head. “I don’t exactly remember why; but even reading that name…” She sighed heavily; tangling a hand in her hair; tugging at it. “Let’s just say it makes me uncomfortable.”

“You’re afraid of him.” I supplied; worry replacing some of the disappointment.

“Yes.” She agreed, her shoulders tensed.

“He why you became a treasure hunter?”

She shrugged. “I don’t remember.” Turning she moved swiftly toward the inn; stopping by the message board; scanning swiftly and yanking another poster down. “I’m not sure what prompted these to show up. I can’t recall coming across them before.”

I frowned. “Perhaps he found out you were done with your Bardic training and thought you’d go home.” I suggested. “He must miss you very much.”

She shivered and shook her head. “I don’t care. I might not remember it but there is good reason I’m afraid of him.” She said softly, her voice shaking.

I blew out a long breath. “Do you think he’s liable to come after you?” I asked softly.

“I don’t know.” She repeated, moving briskly toward the lodge.

I followed swiftly. _Now I_ _’m conflicted. And a bit confused. She has a fiancé but she’s afraid of him. That does not give him points in my book._ I thought. “Any chance you sketched your fiancé, so I know what he looks like in case we run into him? _”_ I asked as she put her bag down on the table.

“Maybe. That’s a good idea actually.” She agreed; digging through her books; skimming a couple before finally deciding on one. Walking over to me again she turned the open page to me. “That’s Daggvar.” She said softly, her skin somehow even paler under her freckles.

I looked down and frowned. “That’s a werewolf.” I said. “That’s a _Werewolf_ Silka.”

“Yup.” She agreed, looking down at it herself. She tapped the facing page where she’d sketched out a Nord man. “That’s his regular form.” She said softly. Turning the page, she frowned, reading the script below the sketches. “Sarlfi.” She said, showing me the pages; again, a werewolf on one page and a Nord on the other. “Suggests that Sarlfi and Daggvar are close friends so if we see one, we may see the other.”

 _“_ Do you think you wrote down why you’re afraid of him?”

“Possibly.” She agreed, flipping through the book again.

A few minutes later she flinched so hard she bumped into the table. “Fuck.” She whispered, her free hand going to her shoulder scars.

“Is he the Reason for your scars!?” I asked, shock and no small amounts of anger in my voice.

“Yes and no.” She said softly; her eyes not leaving the page. “Sarlfi. My half-brother: he gave me some. The ones on my arm and shoulder. The claw marks. Daggvar.” She bit her lip, shaking her head. “Daggvar gave me claw marks elsewhere.”

 _Your back. I_ _’ve seen the edges. But why hurt you? Why hurt his betrothed?_ “Any idea why?”

“I tried to turn down the marriage contract.” She said softly. “That’s what it says here.”

Rage bubbled under my skin and I stared at her with renewed worry and honestly some relief. _Not sure if I_ _’m relieved that she doesn’t want this fiancé or because she isn’t the type to casually break ties. Or doesn’t seem to be._ I thought. “Alright. Well. Makes things interesting. Shall we check our route options?” I asked, deliberately trying to move away from the topic.

She studied me for a long moment before her expression softened. “Thank you.” She whispered. “For not making a big deal of it.”

“I swore an oath.” I reminded her.

“Yes, but werewolves are dangerous.”

“So are dragons.” I countered.

She half smiled. “I suppose that’s true.” Taking the map out she spread it out on the table, and we got to work tracing routes.

Helgen Ruins

I tried to keep an eye on Silka as we approached Helgen; finding it a little more difficult than I expected as she kept stopping to study it as we approached it. As we got closer, she frowned and then a scowl replaced her frown. “Fucking Scavengers.” She hissed.

I followed the direction of her gaze to see the burnt bodies impaled on spikes outside the gates. _Bandits I_ _’m guessing._ I thought.

“They’ve no respect.” She added, her voice thick with emotion; silvery blue light hovering around her left hand. I eyed it with some concern when she flicked her fingers and her oakflesh spell took hold as she drew her axes and strode toward the gates, cold anger on her face. She pressed lightly then with a muttered curse sheathed her weapons and pulled lockpicks free. “Gods Damned Scavengers.” She grumbled again. Shoving the gates open she flicked her spell again and drew her axes as a pair of bandits became aware of us.

 _Well, if I wanted to see my debt discharged this might do it._ I thought, following her swiftly.

“Who wants to die first?” She asked as the pair started to move toward us; one letting out an ear-splitting whistle.

“You think you can take me?” One of the bandits asked, leaning her head back slightly in a laugh.

“Let’s find out.” Silka suggested, raising her axes and sprinting toward the pair. Her right-hand axe swung in an arc to lodge in the taunting woman’s throat. Bringing her other axe to block the man’s sword as I loosed an arrow.

“You picked a bad place to get lost friend!” A heavily armored man shouted; running toward Silka with a greatsword in his hands as the bandit I’d shot crumpled. An orc with a bow ran on one side of him and a Dunmer ran on his other side: fire dancing around her fingertips.

I nocked another arrow swiftly, aiming toward the Dunmer. As I released my arrow, the Orc’s arrow caught my left shoulder. Letting out a string of curses I traded bow for sword, noting that Silka was easily dodging the armored Bandit’s attacks; her axes ringing loudly each time she landed one of her frequent blows. I winced as I ran forward; noting that she was being maneuvered in between the two as the orc drew his own hand axe. Before I could shout a warning, she threw herself to the side into a roll; coming up into a half crouch, watching to see how snarled the two would get as I cut down with my blade, throwing my weight behind it to crush the bandit’s collarbone. He screamed out in agony as much from my blow as the weight of the orc as he crumpled with a throwing knife lodged in the side of his head. Changing my grip on my sword I drove it in the gap between helmet and breastplate, wincing at the pull in my shoulder as he stilled.

“I think that’s all of them.” Silka said quietly, moving to my side to stand on tiptoe to survey the arrow.

“Possibly.” I muttered, gritting my teeth against the pain.

“Find something to sit on and I can get that out for you.” She said softly.

I shook my head. “Attend to yourself first. I’ve got this.” Grasping the arrow tightly in my hand I pulled it out, hissing with the pain.

Silka sighed, shaking her head as her healing magic surrounded her, easing the cuts and scrapes she’d gathered. “Do you want me to take care of that?” She asked, pointing at my shoulder.

I shook my head. “It’ll be fine until we make camp.” I responded. “Let’s keep going.” _I_ _’ve had worse._ I thought.

She frowned but didn’t press, turning toward the other gate and moving toward it. “Somehow I don’t think this will deter any future bandits.” She said glumly as we left, stopping one last time, turning and staring at the remains of the village.

“Something on your mind?” I asked softly.

“Just wondering if this is the future if the dragons aren’t stopped. If they’ll plunge us back into the chaos from before the Dragon Wars.”

“Not if you can help it.” I responded, wincing as I automatically shrugged my shoulder.

She paused, looking up at me. “You have that much faith in me already?” She asked.

“Yes.” _You just need someone to temper that fire of yours enough that you don_ _’t get yourself killed on your way there._ I thought, reaching my hand up to my shoulder as soon as her back was turned. _Should probably just let her heal it_. I acknowledged, refusing to say it.

The shadows were lengthening as Silka coaxed a fire to start, her face serious with concentration. I watched her work, leaning against the completed lean-to, wrestling with the straps of my armor. _It_ _’s exposed enough out here that I don’t really want to shed my armor even for sleep, but I need to dump a potion on that arrow wound. Need to clean it out._ I thought, glancing down at my gear as I managed to work it off. _I_ _’ll need to find a smith to fix that._

“Oh.” Silka said softly, startling me with her proximity.

“How did you do that?” I asked as she lifted herself up on tiptoe to look at my wound. Watching her I found it suddenly hard to think. Something about her being concerned over me was alluring and her fingers, light on my skin, were making it hard to breathe properly.

“How did I do what?” She asked, her gaze steady on my wound.

“Get so close without my hearing you.” I muttered.

She smiled, meeting my eyes. “It’s one of the perks of light armor.” She said, her expression mischievous.

 _Fuck. It would be so easy to get too close to you._ I thought. “There are others?” I teased.

She shook her head with a small laugh, pulling away as I resisted the urge to sigh heavily. “I should have a potion or two that can help.” She said softly.

Loathe to let my hatred for magic keep me from being able to fight I reached out a hand quickly and snagged her wrist, bringing my injured arm up swiftly to rest on her other arm to balance her. “My apologies. I did not mean to overbalance you.” I murmured, forcing myself to ignore the urge to bring her in closer.

“What did you need?” She asked, looking up at me, seeming to feel no discomfort at my actions.

I let out a slow breath. “You can heal it. Save the potions for emergencies.”

“Are you certain?” She asked, her voice warm.

“I’m certain.” I responded, steadying my voice, releasing her.

She nodded and carefully lifted herself up. “This would be easier if you sat down.” She murmured. “I’d like to see what I’m doing. I could just send a spell through you but…” She shrugged. “It hurts less if I can focus.”

“Alright.” I agreed, moving over to a log she’d chosen to build the fire next to. Bending over my arm she dragged a dampened cloth along the edges of the wound.

“It must have been barbed.” She murmured. “Otherwise, it would not have bled so much. I’ve not seen many archers be able to drive a barbed arrow through heavy armor.”

“It was the Orc.” I explained, watching her work. “Doesn’t that hurt your back?” I asked as she finished cleaning and straightened for a moment.

“I’ll be stiff yeah, but we don’t have anything tall enough for me to sit on and still work.” She said, closing her eyes for a moment and I scented magicka in the air centered on her.

 _I_ _’ll never get used to that._ I thought, _but she knows what she’s doing_. The pain began to ease, and I watched in wonder as she carefully guided the bits of flesh to knit back together.

“That took longer than the prison.” I murmured. “Was it so bad?”

She shook her head, stretching her back out. “No. I just had more time. It’s less strain on my magicka which means less risk of overdraw. Plus…” She pulled the damp cloth back out of her belt and cleaned the last bits of blood off. “No scarring.” She said brightly.

I glanced up at her. “Impressive.”

She shrugged. “If you’re going to heal someone you should do it right.”

“Scars don’t bother me.” I murmured.

“It wasn’t much effort to make sure there wouldn’t be any though. No worries, I’m sure you’ll have more opportunities to get dashing scars.” She hesitated, "Are you upset that I charged the Bandits? It did get you injured."

I shook my head. "I'd rather you stay further back, start with archery at the least, but bandits deserve no mercy. And you were right to call them scavengers. Setting up in Helgen with the ashes still warm." I shook my head. "I understand why you reacted that way."

She smiled. "Thanks, Kaidan." She murmured, rubbing at her forearm scars.

I considered her scars as she turned away. “Do your scars bother you?” I asked as she moved toward the fire.

She turned back. “A little. But mainly because I don’t remember how I got them.”

I shook my head. _Forgot our earlier conversation already? That_ _’s… this could get dangerous. I wonder what else she’s forgotten since we started traveling together. How much has she forgotten about Our conversations?_ I wondered. I felt a chill rush through me as a wolf howled in the distance. _It already is dangerous. She_ _’s already forgotten that she was given those scars by her half-brother. Her half-brother who happens to be a Fucking Werewolf._ I thought.

Another howl answered the wolf, this one more guttural and I moved swiftly for my armor. “That wasn’t a wolf.” I said sharply.

“No.” Silka agreed, prepping her bow. “It wasn’t.”


	7. Family and Greybeards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silka runs into a familiar face and makes it to High Hrothgar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Barely made it on Friday with this chapter. Sorry for the late update.  
> As usual I don't own the Skyrim characters (Bethesda does). Nor do I own Kaidan (Livtempleton does).  
> Not the happiest with this chapter. It took a lot to edit it. Might rewrite it someday but if I'd fussed with it until I was perfectly happy I'd never update!  
> -thanks for reading!-

Silka: Brothers, Vampires and Greybeards

Holding my bow loosely in my left hand I held my right ready to cast oakflesh. The guttural howl came again, and I snapped the spell out, nocking an arrow to my bow as a dark furred werewolf came into view.

Drawing my bow, I hesitated. Kaidan aimed down his and with a sudden flash of clarity I knew I would regret it if this werewolf was shot. “Wait.” I said sharply.

Kaidan glanced over at me. “Wait for what?” He asked as the werewolf edged forward slowly.

“Pretty sure I know him. And my gut tells me he’s a friend.”

Kaidan considered that for a long moment. “Why approach in werewolf form then?” He asked.

“Because he’s an idiot.” I suggested, wishing I could remember him.

The werewolf stopped, his form shimmered and a lean Redguard man surveyed me with a frown, his golden eyes sparkling with mirth. “Ouch Sil.”

I shook my head. “You’re the one who approached in a threatening form. If you wanted me to be friendly to you perhaps you should have approached in this form.” _I feel like I know you. I feel like it’s going to hurt once you tell me who you are._

“Fair.” He agreed. “I admit. I wanted to see if you recognized me. I heard about the Thalmor.” He shook his head. “It took you too long to recognize me. And you don’t really do you?” He asked.

“No.” I admitted.

He closed his eyes, grief plain on his face. “How much have you forgotten?”

“That depends. Who are you?”

“Fuck. Never thought I’d see the day I’d have to introduce myself to my own twin.” He murmured. “I’m Nevian.” He added, all traces of mirth gone.

I sighed. _I was right. It hurts because I know I’m going to forget you again_. “I have no memories of you, but I do have feelings.” I shrugged. “I know I can trust you.”

“Well, that’s something at least.” He sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. “Anyone else from the pack you’ve forgotten?” He asked sharply.

“The… pack?” I asked.

“Ah Fuck. You forgot the whole pack? Why? What do they have to do with the Blades? I make sense. I was raised with you _by_ Blades.”

“Slow down.” I suggested. “Why would the spell be attached to the Blades?” And who set it?

“Your mother is a Blade. Was a Blade. Before. Everything. Our Grandparents. The people who raised us for so long were Blades. Mother said she cast the spell so if anyone tortured you for information, you’d forget them.”

“Then why is it eating all my other memories?” I asked sharply. _Why? Why would that make sense?_

“She may have messed up. She’s not as strong as you are in that branch of magic.” He said gruffly. “What happened to your Lute?”

“Thalmor smashed it.” I responded instantly, feeling the shadow of sorrow over it again.

He quirked his mouth in an almost smile. “If they ever figure out that it’s the easiest way to break this spell, they may regret that.” He said. “May I approach your camp? Or did you want to keep hollering across the forest?”

I looked over at Kaidan. “Thoughts?” I asked softly.

He frowned, slinging his bow over his shoulder. “You said you trust him?”

“Yes.”

“Alright.” He agreed, adjusting his sword in what was a clear warning of staying vigilant.

I jerked my head toward the campfire. “Have a seat.” I suggested.

He smiled and ambled over, sitting cross-legged on the ground. “I admit I’m surprised to see you traveling with someone. I thought you’d sworn off companions after that Khajiit shot you.”

I shook my head. “The Khajiit you mention was trying to beat a Skooma addiction.” I jerked my head toward Kaidan. “He isn’t.” _I haven’t thought about him in almost a year now. I wonder how he’s doing. If he ever beat the Skooma. If I’ll ever remember his name. Although I doubt his is tied to this spell. Just injury trauma._

“How long have you been traveling together?” He asked.

I frowned, thinking about it. “I haven’t been counting.” I said slowly. “Why?”

“Traced your scent to a dilapidated prison near Windhelm. Found your scent. And.” He nodded toward Kaidan. “Found his. So, I was curious. Who got out first?”

Kaidan shook his head. “She did.” He said softly.

“I admit I’m a little surprised by that.”

“Thanks Nev. I appreciate your faith in me.” I said softly, comfortable with the teasing. _It feels so normal._ _We must have talked like this before._

He grinned. “You know I mean nothing by it. You’re just… more stealth and less head on. And pulling someone from a Thalmor prison is a bit bold for you.” Rubbing at the scar on his right cheek he studied the fire for a moment. “So. I’ve been hearing rumors about you.”

I frowned, looking into the fire. “Oh?” I asked, “What kind of rumors?”

“That you’re the Dragonborn.”

“That’s why I’m on this road. I’m headed to High Hrothgar to find out for sure.” _And it seems likely. Very likely._

“I hope you aren’t.” He said bluntly.

I blinked at him. _I can’t say I’m thrilled about it either but… why are you so against it?_

“Why is that?” Kaidan asked, looking through his pack.

“Daggvar. Her contracted fiancé.” He responded.

I froze, closing my eyes as I felt fear shoot through me. _Daggvar. I should know that name. But I don’t want to know that name._

“Who are you anyway?” Nev asked.

Kaidan shrugged. “My name is Kaidan. What about Daggvar makes you hope Silka isn’t Dragonborn?”

Nev sighed, “He’s already obsessed with her. I’d rather he not have another reason to find her.”

“How’d you hear about the Thalmor?” I asked, trying to push my discomfort about Daggvar away.

He shook his head. “Father was talking to Sarlfi about it. Said he had hopes it would make you more… docile. More willing to accept the marriage contract. Return home.”

I shivered, focusing on digging some food out of my pack.

“Your Father sent the Thalmor after her?” Kaidan asked, outrage in his tone as he passed me a bundle of dried meat.

“Yes. He’s… Well. Let’s just say it was lucky that Silka and I got raised by her mother’s parents for as long as we did. Otherwise, I might have turned out like Sarlfi.” He sighed. “I’d rather not contemplate that.”

“How many siblings do you have?” Kaidan asked.

“Four counting Silka.” He answered. “Sarlfi is the oldest. He’s… going to be taking charge of the clan soon.” He tapped his cheek scar. “He’s not one who takes malcontent well. The other two are our younger sisters. Actual twins. They…” He smiled. “Silka cooked up a plan to get the Clan to agree to send them to the College of Winterhold.” He explained, giving me a pleased look. “Sometime while I was gone something happened with Daggvar that she’s never explained to me. And she disappeared to be a treasure hunter and then a Bard. Sil. What’s your plan after High Hrothgar?”

“Mm, probably Solitude. Bard’s College. Get a new lute and a lecture from Viarmo.” _I felt pleased at that information about our sisters. Wish I could remember all that.  
_

“Falkreath is closer. I could get to where grandfather’s lute was left and meet you in Falkreath. It would be a lot quicker.” Nev offered.

I hesitated. “It’s a good idea.” Kaidan said. “I’ve a feeling that your memories are going to be pretty important in keeping you safe.”

“Alright. Agreed.” I responded. _It would be nice not to lose more memories._

“Mind if I stay the night?” Nev asked. “I’ll be on my way in the morning, but I scented vampires somewhere nearby and one; I don’t like the idea of leaving you to fend them off without me. Two; I don’t like the idea of trying to take on multiple blood suckers myself if they chose to attack.”

“I’m alright with it.”

Kaidan nodded slightly. “Especially with vampires out there.” He murmured; his tone slightly suspicious.

I leaned close to him, “The alarm spell will tell us if he’s not actually trustworthy. But I know he is.” I whispered.

He studied my face then inclined his head. “Alright.”

Lying back in my bedroll I stared up at the stars past my lean-to. _This is. Will I forget him before he leaves? Is this my life now? Will the music even work?_

A soft sound startled me awake and I sat up, looking around. _A dream_. I realized, noting that both Kaidan and Nevian appeared to be sleeping, staring at Nevian for a long moment to be sure of his name. _When he leaves then. When he leaves I'll forget him again._ Rising from my lean-to I moved close to the fire, looking up, trying to guess the time. _I don’t think I’ll be able to fall back to sleep. Too agitated._ I realized, swiping at a tear.

Poking at the remains of the fire I frowned each time it flared. _I could just stop poking it and it wouldn’t flare up_. I thought, shaking my head as I carefully set aside the stick and rose, stretching out my back, trying to ensure I wouldn’t wake the others as I built up the fire enough to read by. Taking out some spell notes I began to read, toying with my hair.

The alarm spell chimed just as I felt something press into me, whispering into my mind. Freezing I tried to settle my heartbeat, fighting the urge to run. _Fear. Fear spell. Someone cast a damn fear spell on me_. Rage helped me clear my mind and I frantically gathered half remembered instructions for a cleansing spell. _This will hurt_. I thought, casting it anyway, grimacing hard with the backlash as it chased the Fear spell out of my mind.

Kaidan and Nev scrambled to my side. “See anything?” Kaidan whispered.

“No. But they’ve got a mage as can use Fear.” I murmured, readying my axes.

“I suppose I’ll just have to panic you the old-fashioned way.” A masculine voice said.

“Vampire.” Nev whispered.

“How many?” Kaidan asked.

Nev considered it as the vampire got closer. “Two. And two or maybe three thralls.” He murmured.

Flicking out oakflesh I advanced on the vampire. “Guard my back from the others.” I whispered.

“Got it.” Nev responded and I heard him groan with the pain of transformation, not risking a glance over my shoulder as I approached the vampire.

He looked confused to see me advancing. “I could kill you easily woman… The werewolf only marginally complicates things.” He hissed.

“That’s fine.” I responded, leaping toward him with an axe ready, prepared for his dodge, following it up with a step in, bringing the other axe down.

He hissed and scrambled backward. With a grim smile I lunged forward, following him, keeping up with his every move. 

This time he wasn’t fast enough, and I caught him in the shoulder with one axe, following up, aiming toward his throat, lodging it in his collarbone instead. He hissed out his rage and swiped toward me. I flinched away from it, yanking one axe out to bury it properly in his throat this time, pulling away to survey the small clearing. Kaidan was only a few feet from me and I moved closer to him.

“Did he get you?” He asked, reaching a hand out to lift my chin, pulling back with a frown. “Why are you so cold?”

“Spell backlash. He didn’t get me. Are you hurt?”

“No.” He jerked his head. “He got most of the others. He’s a bit beat up.”

Nodding I moved toward the fire, sheltering my eyes when it flared up under Nev’s ministrations. “Not how I like waking up in the morning Sil.” He complained as I reached him, passing me a potion. “Give one to your companion, would you? Cure Disease. Better safe than sorry.”

I accepted with a nod of thanks, passing one over to Kaidan. The potion was sweeter than I made my potions, and I raised an eyebrow at Nev. “Who made this?” I asked when I passed the empty bottle back.

“One of the healers in the pack. Said to keep them in case I worked with non-wolves.” He explained.

“Do you have anything you’d like me to patch up?”

He nodded, holding his arm out. “Just got a gash here. It’ll heal up but you’re here so…”

I nodded, reaching a hand out and resting it on his arm. He frowned as he watched me. “What?” I asked, hoping Kaidan wouldn't notice how much quicker it was to heal Nev. _It would be awkward to explain that I kept getting distracted by being close to him. So I'd rather not._

“Since when do you have to touch someone to use that spell?”

“Since the Thalmor.” I grumbled.

“Damn. That why your fingers are so cold? You use a spell that rebounded?”

Tight lipped I nodded again, and he scowled.

“Silka! You could kill yourself that way!”

“It’s not that bad.” I protested. _I’ve seen worse._

He scowled and moved away. “Kaidan. Could I speak with you a moment?” He asked.

Kai lifted an eyebrow but nodded, moving with him to the edge of the camp. I frowned, watching them as I put together a quick breakfast. _What are you pestering him about?_ I wondered.

“Two weeks Sil.” Nev said, moving back toward me. “Maximum. I’ll be waiting for you in Falkreath.” He said, accepting the food from me. “I’d hug you but I’m heading back into pack territory.”

“Alright.” I agreed. “See you in Falkreath.”

Kaidan watched him go then turned to me. “You alright to continue? We may be able to reach High Hrothgar by this evening if we push.”

I nodded. “Yes. Best to get this over with.”

High Hrothgar

“It’s very impressive.” Kaidan murmured as we stared up at the monastery from the bottom of the steps.

“Yes. A bit intimidating.” I replied.

He shrugged a shoulder. “I’ll be right next to you.” He promised.

Feeling more comforted by that than I expected I nodded and moved up the steps. “Let’s get out of this wind.” I suggested.

“Agreed.”

The heavy doors creaked as I pushed them open and Kaidan gave me a reassuring look as we entered, our footsteps echoing off the walls. From the back stairs of the room, we approached came four robed men and I felt the overwhelming urge to bow. Giving in to it I offered a small, respectful greeting.

One of the men stepped forward from the others and surveyed me with kind brown eyes. “I can feel the power gathered around you. But. We must verify.” He murmured. “Please. Shout. Let us feel how strong you are.”

Taking a deep breath, centering myself I reached for my knowledge of Fus and unleashed it. Recovering from a stagger the man smiled again. “Dragonborn. Welcome to High Hrothgar. I am Master Arngeir. I speak for the Greybeards.”

“My name is Silka.” I said softly. “And this is my companion Kaidan.” I added, gesturing toward the man who offered his own respectful bow. _Not what I expected out of our first meeting._

“Your first visit will not be overlong.” He said evenly. “We need to see how easily you learn new words. To see if the legends of the Dragonborn are true.”

 _“_ And then what? _”_ I wondered. _Are you going to teach me much? Are you going to help me figure this out?_

He smiled. “I will explain should we reach that point. Come. Let us see how well you learn the next part of Unrelenting Force. The shout that Fus is the first word of.” Looking past me at Kaidan he gave him a kind smile. “As for you, young man. If you would proceed down this hallway you will find some food and if you would like there are some books that would allow you to entertain yourself.”

Kaidan nodded, hooking my pack in his hand. I shifted out of it with a slight flush, nodding my thanks as he headed down the hallway. _I’m a little surprised. I’d have expected him to want to see this. But I suppose it wouldn’t feel right to argue with Master Arngeir._

Learning from the Greybeards was more exhausting than I expected, and I wondered if it was being compounded by the spell backlash. _If I must use any more magic today, I might very well drain myself to the point of unconsciousness._ I realized as they demonstrated how to use Whirlwind Sprint. _A useful shout this one_. I decided as I called “Wuld!” Surprised by how easily I passed over the snowy courtyard.

Walking next to Master Arngeir through the stone halls I shivered again. “Do you get cold easily Dragonborn?” He asked, his tone concerned.

“No. I’m just dealing with a spell backlash.” I admitted.

“Get some rest then before you leave the Monastery.” He ordered. “Tomorrow I want you to start your journey toward the ruins of Ustengrov. There you will find the horn of our founder Jurgen Windcaller. Only then can we be sure that you can use your Shouts in the practical manner that a Dragonborn requires.”

“Where is the ruin?” I asked, stopping with him near a few chairs and a bookcase, Kai looking up from a book.

“It is in the swamps near Morthal. If you have a map, I can mark the location.”

Immediately Kai put the book aside and grabbed my pack, pulling the map off the side and passing it over. The Greybeard looked down, muttering to himself before putting a small x in the swamps. “Remember. If you come across any Word Walls, you may be able to utilize any words that are active.”

“Thank you Master Arngeir. Did you want me to tell you before we leave in the morning?”

He shook his head. “No. We rise early and spend much of our day in meditation. And the others cannot speak without Shouting.”

“Thank you.” I said softly, offering a shallow bow.

He inclined his head and moved away.

“Learn anything interesting?” Kaidan asked once the old monk was out of earshot.

“A bit. I’ll show you tomorrow.” I said, shivering as I unrolled my bedroll. “I’m tired.” I admitted.

“Aye. Get some rest.” He murmured, giving me a concerned look.

“Mm. I was curious though.” I started as I laid down.

“What about?” He asked, sitting cross-legged next to me, sorting his own bedroll.

I turned, propping my head up on my arm. “What did you do after Brynjar died?”

He puffed out a short breath. “You’re certain you want to know?”

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.” I pointed out.

“It’s not pretty but.” He sighed. “I suppose it helped make me who I am.”

“A strong, capable warrior?” I asked impishly.

He smiled, shaking his head as he looked down at me, his gaze suddenly gaining intensity. “A man riddled by regret.” He corrected. “And yet…”

“And yet?”

He frowned. “If there was a vice Brynjar had I tried it. You told your brother that I wasn’t fighting a Skooma addiction. Five years ago, I was. I had no mooring. I was… Brynjar had spent so long being my only consistent connection that I didn’t know what to do with him gone. So, I turned to Bounty Hunting. To be honest. Were it not for the Thalmor I might have seen that poster and…” He trailed off, looking deeply uncomfortable.

“The poster.” I mused.

He studied the ground for a moment. “You’ll remember. You’ll remember and you’ll know what I just implied.” He said softly. “But. It was a bounty that led me to the cult. The Blooded Dawn. They seemed to have everything I wanted. Fellowship. Power. Especially power.”

“Daedric?” I guessed.

“Yes.” He admitted. “I was stupid. I should have realized from the beginning that their fellowship only came with expectations.” He sighed heavily. “Expectations I could not bring myself to meet.”

“I can’t imagine they just let you leave.”

“No. No they didn’t but…” He gave me a soft smile that set my heart racing. “You’ve more than enough on your mind without my burdening you with the scars of my past.”

“Kai…” I murmured.

He shifted, a strange look crossing his face. “What did you call me?”

I flushed deeply. “Sorry. I called you Kai.” I responded, hoping I hadn’t offended him too terribly.

“No, it’s fine. It’s. It’s more than fine.” He said quickly. “It doesn’t bother me. I just… wasn’t expecting it is all.”

I glanced away, trying to gain control of my expression. “I’m sorry you had a rough go of it.”

He shook his head, his gaze intense. “If I hadn’t.” He frowned. “I don’t know where I’d be. I don’t know if I would have met you. So. Although it may have been painful. I would not change it.”


	8. A Warm Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silka is half frozen from spell backlash and Kaidan can only think of one way to keep her from succumbing to the effects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a day late. Was having some editing difficulties with this chapter. Hopefully y'all like it. ^_^  
> And hopefully I got all the thought italics. Literally falling asleep putting formatting in because I got distracted from doing it earlier.

  
Kaidan: High Hrothgar

Watching Silka’s flush deepen I realized I was pleased with what I’d told her. _I wasn’t expecting to share it with another person, but you wanted to know, and somehow it was easy to tell you._

“It sounds terrible to say I’m glad you went through something so difficult as dealing with a Daedric Cult but…” She murmured, shifting into a sitting position. “I’m glad you got free. And I’m glad your path brought you to Skyrim. I might not have all my memories but…” Her gaze went distant for a long moment before she focused back on me, her green-brown eyes steady. “I know I can trust you. And on top of that I enjoy your company. So… I guess what I’m saying is… I’m glad you’re here too.”

“You trust me?” I asked, feeling deeply warmed.

She gave me a small smile. “Yes. It’s hard to explain but I know I can trust you. And…” She sighed heavily, staring down at her hands for a moment. “With everything going on. It’s… it’s a relief. To know. To know I have someone with me who would never hurt me.”

“Not on purpose at least.” I murmured.

She glanced up with a smile. “Precisely.”

“I trust you too.” I admitted, almost shocked to realize it was true. “There is a very short list of people who’ve gained my trust. And somehow, despite your being a mage…” I sighed. “You’re very easy to talk to.”

She laughed. “Perhaps it’s my Bardic training.”

I shook my head. “No. I don’t think so. I’ve seen you turn on your charm. And it’s not that.”

“Can read me that easily already?” She asked, drawing her knees up and resting her head on them, looking over at me with a soft smile.

“I’m still learning.” I murmured. “But.” I reached out and gently slipped a lock of hair back behind her ear, concerned by how cold her skin felt. “You don’t blush when you’ve turned on your charm. It’s… You look at me when you’re talking to me and I can read the emotions on your face.” I studied her expression. “Most of the time.”

She shivered and I frowned, my discussion with Nevian coming to mind. _He told me to watch her for signs of being overly cold. Said she wouldn’t be willing to admit to being in danger_. “Are you alright?” I asked. “You seem cold.”

“I’ll be fine. I just need some sleep.” She responded and I felt my eyes narrow as Nevian’s prediction proved true.

“Why are you so cold?” I pressed.

“Just a little spell backlash.”

“Now you’re turning on the charm.” I told her, irritated that she would try it. _You realize I just told you I can tell when you’re putting on your Bardic face right? And you try it anyway?_

“I just need sleep.” She repeated, closing her eyes.

I scowled. “How dangerous is this? Would it have been safer to stay in Ivarstead instead of pressing on to High Hrothgar today?”

“Mmm.” She sighed as she opened her eyes again. “The danger depends on a few factors.” She hid a yawn behind her hand. “How often you rebound. What you do after you rebound and if you’re able to keep warm when you next sleep.”

“How often do you rebound?”

“Not often. At least not in recent memory. Granted I’m not entirely sure which spell I used that rebounded. But I’m certain I had a good reason for casting it.” She explained.

 _You already don’t remember? Damn. This is getting ridiculous_. “Is your bedroll going to be warm enough?” I wondered.

“Um.” She considered it. “Honestly, I’m not sure.”

I shook my head and felt my heartbeat pick up. _There is a simple solution to help her keep warm. But I’m not sure she’d be comfortable with it and Divines know it will complicate things_. “So. Perhaps we should share.” I said, keeping my tone as even as possible.

She blinked. “Pardon?”

“You heard me. If you’re not certain you’ll be warm enough in your bedroll then we should share. And I will keep you warm.”

She flushed, deeper than I’d yet seen and I forced myself to keep my gaze steady. “That worried I’ll succumb to the backlash?” She murmured after a long moment.

I reached a hand forward and rested it on her cheek, unhappy to find that her skin was still ice cold even beneath the blush. “Yes.”

“I know I told you I don’t normally allow people to touch my scars.” She responded.

“I remember.” I told her. “But. This is not a normal circumstance.” Taking a deep breath, I reached out a hand toward her. “Please. Let me protect you. I swore an oath remember?” _How pathetic would it be if you died because you were too stubborn to let me keep you warm?_

With a slight nod she reached a hand out and clasped mine. I gently drew her to her feet. “Sit in one of the chairs while I sort the bedding?” I suggested.

“I have enough energy.” She protested. “I can get the blankets out.”

I shook my head. “Just rest.”

She sighed but sat down in the chair I’d been reading in. Working swiftly, I tugged the bedrolls together, using what leather ties I could find. Digging through my pack I pulled my blankets out then tugged Silka’s pack over to me, glancing up at her to see she was looking through a book. _Good. She listened. I’m honestly a little surprised._ I frowned. _She must be in worse straights than I realized._

Looking through her pack to find her blanket I shook my head over the number of books. _I’ll have to talk to her about that. About borrowing some and about selling the ones she isn’t going to reread_. Pulling the blanket free I rose and returned to the bedding, draping it down then looking over at Silka.

“Let’s get some rest.” I suggested, pulling my armor and boots off and setting them by my pack.

“Wait.” Silka said, frowning as she unstrapped her armor. “Look. I… I know I need body heat. But I need to ease into it. The scars on my back… I don’t remember how I got them but…” She shook her head. “They’re… They bother me. Would you be alright with sitting first? Sitting and reading maybe?”

“Of course.” I responded. “I was meaning to talk to you about books although we ought to take our shirts off regardless.” I suggested then winced. _That sounded wrong. And it still requires me to touch her back._ “That doesn’t address the scars though.” I admitted.

She flushed before crouching by her bag. “Yes. But sitting still feels less vulnerable. I trust you but…”

I held up a hand. “I understand. You don’t have to explain that.” _Your scars run deep. You can’t control how they make you feel when you can’t remember the circumstances around them._

I gave her a level look as I pulled my shirt off and dropped it on top of my armor. “I would like to know why you use magic when it’s so dangerous though.” _It consumes everything. Just look at you. Half frozen from a spell you used hours ago._

She shrugged a shoulder as she extracted a book. “It’s part of me Kai. I can’t not use it.”

I raised an eyebrow as we moved toward the blankets. “It means that much to you?” I asked, settling down; moving the top layers of blankets enough to give us room.

“Mmm. That’s not what I meant.” She responded, sitting down next to me, shaking her head then peeling her shirt off and setting it nearby, leaving her undergarment in place.

Trying not to look at her scars I carefully put an arm around her and gently drew her close to me, closing my eyes at the feel of her pressed against me. _Fuck. How does this feel so right? Even when she’s this damn cold?_ I wondered. “What did you mean?” I asked, wincing at the chill, dragging the top blanket up to her neck and wrapping my other arm across her shoulders to help hold it in place. _How did you manage the climb being this cold? No wonder the wind was so rough on you. I should have realized then._

“When I say it’s part of me, I mean that literally.” She explained, lifting one hand to secure the blanket, nudging my arm until I moved it. “I could try not to touch my magic and with my respective strengths I could get away with it for a while. But in the end, it would escape. So, it’s safest to shape it.”

I sighed. “So, for someone skilled in Destruction?” I asked, trying not to think about why my thoughts would immediately go to that school of magic.

She considered it, leaning slightly further against me, shifting her head so she could make eye contact. I bit the inside of my lip, trying to maintain control of myself. _It would be so easy to just lean down and kiss you right now. But I dare say you’d never trust me again. And for good reason._ I thought as she quirked an eyebrow slightly before glancing away again.

“It would escape too. And it would be pretty hard to miss.” She explained. “To a degree all magic has similar roots. What Farengar said was true. You can shape your gift how you’d like. But each mage is naturally drawn to different schools.”

“And you were drawn to?” I asked, desperately trying to keep my thoughts on the conversation at hand.

“Restoration. Illusion…” She yawned, covering it automatically with her hand. “Alteration.” She leaned her head against my shoulder, opening the book.

“And what is Fear?”

“Illusion.” She said, her voice quiet.

“Are you certain you’ll stay awake long enough to read?” I murmured, bringing my other arm around her, hugging her to me as I rested my head against hers. “You’re Fucking freezing.” I grumbled, not happy with the chill of her skin.

She huffed out a small laugh, opening the book. “I’ll stay awake for a little longer.” She responded. “And yes Kai. I’m aware that I’m freezing.”

“So, what are we reading?” I asked.

“Lost Legends.”

“Hmmm. Been meaning to read that one. Are there maps?”

She laughed, resting the book on her lap to open it and lift it back up. “See for yourself and let me know when you want me to turn the page.”

Almost a full chapter into the book I shifted my weight back slightly, pleased when Silka shifted with me. _She’s comfortable and starting to warm up. That’s a relief._ She dropped her head slightly at the end of the page and I sighed. _And she’s falling asleep. Good, she needs the rest. Somehow I don’t see her making it to the end of the chapter._ I thought, not too surprised when the book and the blanket abruptly tumbled into her lap.

Shifting my arm, I reached for the book to move it when she twisted, half curling her body as she tried to get comfortable. Taking a deep breath, careful to not touch her scars with my hands I shifted the arm that still held her. Moving the book and grabbing blankets I glanced down and nearly froze up as I got a good look at her back scars. _Fuck. Those are_ … Shoving the thought away for now I focused on getting comfortable.

Moving the blankets, I carefully shifted both of us, amused when she grumbled and half woke up, moving herself to the ground as I laid down. Immediately she pressed herself more firmly against me and I breathed out a deep sigh as I wrapped my arm around her again. _Fuck it feels good to hold you. I only wish it wasn’t because your magic tried to kill you._

Pulling the blankets up, I tucked them tightly around her to trap as much heat as possible before moving my free arm to the back of my head, staring up at the ceiling. _Her back scars are claw marks but they’re so neat. Too neat. She said Sarlfi gave her the arm and shoulder scars. That Daggvar scarred her ‘elsewhere’. Her shoulder and arm. Those are jagged. Done swiftly. But her back. Did Daggvar do that? They weren’t done quickly; not with how long they are. Which means whoever gave them to her wanted to hurt her. And badly._ I looked down at her, shifting my hand out from under me again to gently stroke her hair, admiring the red picked up by the lamp.

 _If I had seen the poster before I knew her. Before the Thalmor. I may have tracked her down myself, brought news of her to her fiancé. To the man who left those scars on her. It had to have been him. It had to. What else did he do?_ I scowled at the ceiling. _I don’t want to know. I don’t Need to know. Fuck. She’s going to have Bounty Hunters after her. That price is too tempting_. I moved my hand to my forehead, trying to settle my mind so I could sleep. _I’ll be damned if I let them get near her. And should I ever meet Daggvar_ … I cut the thought off when she shifted, reaching to stroke her hair again. _I know getting your memories back is the safest thing for you, but what is it going to cost? Will you remember it all at once? Will you want me to stay with you?_ Grimacing I shoved the thoughts away for later. _Sleep. Get some rest so you’ll be ready for danger tomorrow_. Moving my arm back under my head I closed my eyes, trying to fall asleep, comforted by the weight of Silka against me.

A soft cry startled me awake and I tightened my arm reflexively, registering a second later that Silka was still resting against me. She thrashed and I brought my other arm back around her, half turning so I could hold her closer. “Shh.” I murmured. “It’s just a dream. I’ve got you.”

She jerked again and opened her eyes, breathing hard as she looked at me in the flickering lamp light. “Kai. What are? Where?” She looked around then let out a long shuddering breath as she looked back at me. After a moment her shoulders relaxed, and she let her eyes close. “Safe.” She murmured, almost too low for me to hear as she slumped back against me.

 _You feel safe with me?_ I thought, staring down at her in wonder. _I know you said you trusted me but, I suppose on a small level I hadn’t dared believe it_. Warmed, I closed my eyes again, letting sleep return.

The next time I woke, Silka was just stirring and I considered whether it would make her more comfortable for me to release her and rise while she finished waking up or stay put. Before I could move, she opened her eyes with a deep sigh. “Kaidan.” She murmured.

“Yes?”

She shifted, pulling away from me and sitting up, shivering slightly as she turned to look down at me. “Thank you.” She said, giving me a soft smile that made my heart pound. Resisting the urge to pull her back down into my arms I sat up.

“I swore an oath.” I responded, keeping my voice soft as I looked at her. _More than one now although you won’t know about the second. It’s dependent on your keeping me around after my debt is paid anyway. You don’t need to know yet._

She nodded and glanced to the side, looking almost disappointed. “Yes, you did. Well; Let’s get moving.”

On the Road to Falkreath

“Why the rush?” I asked as Silka pressed through Ivarstead, pausing only to speak with the man who’d told us the trail conditions and asked us to drop off some food supplies.

“I just want to keep moving.” She responded. “I’m not entirely sure why.”

“Eager to meet up with Nevian and get your memories back?” I suggested.

She paused and turned to face me. “Most likely.”

“You don’t remember that conversation, do you?” I asked, frowning over it. “Do you remember any of yesterday morning?”

She shook her head, frowning. “No. I know I rebounded at some point before noon though. Last night wouldn’t have happened without it but I can’t recall what spell or why I cast it.” She puffed out a short breath then gave me a small smile. “I’m lucky I found someone so trustworthy to travel with. You could tell me a great many things if you wanted to.”

I inclined my head. “I could, but it would fall apart once you got your memories back and I wouldn’t be able to stop you playing a lute if you found one.”

“True enough.” She agreed, moving on again.

Catching up to her I glanced over. “Are you upset about last night?” I asked.

“No.” She paused and turned toward me. “I…” She blushed. “I appreciate it. I… You didn’t have to stay with me the whole night.”

I smiled, stepping forward and brushing a bit of hair over her shoulder. “I wanted to.” I admitted. “I needed to know you were safe.”

Her flush deepened and she glanced to the side for a moment. “Thank you.” She murmured.

“You just try not to rebound your spells again alright?” I said softly. _I want you in my arms because you want to be there. Not because your magic pushed you there again._

She grinned. I’ll do my best.” She promised. “Come on. Let’s get moving.”

Moving to her side I considered the path ahead. _I do want you back in my arms. I want to be closer to you, perhaps reading with you again. And I certainly wouldn’t mind more past that. But memories first I think. And hopefully you’ll still want me around after you get them._

Midday found us moving to higher elevations and I shot Silka a concerned glance. “Are you certain you’re fully recovered?” I asked. “I don’t want the colder air to sap your strength.”

She laughed. “I appreciate the concern Kai but yes, I’m certain that I’ve gotten past the rebound.” Half turning, she grinned at me then twisted back. “I believe that reading last night may have helped warm me up faster."

“About your books. Why do you carry so many?” I wondered, asking the safest of the questions I had.

“I forget I have them when I’m somewhere I could sell them.” She admitted.

“Have you read all the books you’re currently carrying?”

“All but one.” She responded, her tone bright, as dirt gave way to snow. “Would you want to borrow any?”

“I would.” I told her, rewarded with a flash of a grin as she glanced at me.

“Excellent. Did you want to borrow Lost Legends since we started reading it last night?”

 _I’d rather read it the rest of the way with you_. I thought. “Have you finished it?” I asked.

“A while ago. I don’t remember everything though.”

“I’ll try to refresh your memory when I finish it then. Unless you wanted to continue to read it with me.”

She blushed, obviously picking up on my suggestion. “We can discuss it when we make camp.” She responded, her tone amused, her cheeks still flushed.


	9. Memories Returned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silka and Kaidan make it to Falkreath and Silka gets her memories back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual I don't own Kaidan or the Skyrim NPCs. Thanks to Livtempleton and Bethesda for these characters.

Chapter 9: Silka: Memories Returned

On the Road

“Three or four more days to Falkreath.” I murmured, tracing the route on the map. “Harder climb up the mountain this way.”

“But more direct to Falkreath.” Kai responded, sitting down next to me by the fire.

“Yes.” I agreed.

“Are you looking forward to getting your memories back?” He asked.

“If only to ensure I stop losing more.” I replied, watching his expression change as he studied the fire. “What happened to Brynjar?” I asked. “You told me he died but…”

He shook his head, anger replacing the thoughtfulness. “He drank himself to death. Wandered into a Fucking blizzard looking for something stronger to drink.” He sighed heavily. “Dead on the temple steps. There’s no Sovngarde for that. He had so much life he could have lived still. He could have tried harder to get over the war. Not given in to his nightmares.” He scoffed as he checked some cooking rabbits. “Priest was apologetic when he came to see me. Gave me all the usual platitudes about his soul going to Aetherius. Idiotic.”

Reaching my hand out I gently grasped his and squeezed lightly. “There are some things that you can’t just ‘get over’. That he fought during the Great War suggests he’d been fighting his demons for a long time.”

Turning his hand over he twined his fingers in mine and I felt my heart race. “I suppose that’s true.” He admitted, staring down at our hands.

“Who told you how he died?” I asked, wondering why I didn’t feel compelled to move my hand. _When did I decide to stop worrying about complications?_

“The Priest did. He died on the steps of what had been the Great Chapel of Talos.”

I frowned, working it over in my head. _Temple of Talos? Well, former after the Thalmor._ “I don’t suppose there’s any chance he didn’t die of natural causes?” I murmured.

His brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

I shook my head. “Just a thought. You said he spent your life training you as he ran from something. Just seems odd that a Nord would go off and die in a blizzard. I mean it happens but…” I shrugged.

“You think that what he was running from caught up to him.” He mused, staring down at our hands for a long moment before looking at me. “I had never considered that. Why would the priest lie to me?”

“Perhaps Brynjar asked him to before he died. Or perhaps he found him afterword. That, you would not know without returning.” I gave him a soft smile. “But regardless of whether it was the drink or something different… he was hurting.” I gave him a sad smile. “Trust me on that.” _I know what it_ _’s like. And I haven’t been living with it for that long… as far as I know._ “Some of us just…” _We hold onto it whether we want to or not._ I sighed, giving his hand a slight squeeze and pulling away to tend to the food.

Kai watched me stand up with a troubled expression. “My apologies. I did not mean…” He frowned. “I did not mean to insinuate that you are weak.” He said. “Brynjar was long past the war. He should have known better. Been stronger.”

“As Viarmo likes to say; age does not always bring wisdom. It just as readily brings unyielding pride, weariness or a deep-seated rage.” I gave him a half smile as I set bread and meat into our dishes and carried them back to the side of the fire he was sitting on, settling down on the ground next to him.

He smiled down at me as he accepted the bowl. “You’re much more forgiving than I am.”

Tilting my head back slightly I shrugged a shoulder. “Right now, perhaps. We’ll see what happens when I get my memories back. Perhaps I have old grudges.” I sighed, straightening and paying attention to my meal. “We’ll find out soon.”

“So, did you give it thought?” Kai asked, settling himself comfortably by the fire.

“Give what thought?” I asked, checking my axe edges.

He quirked an eyebrow. “Reading. Together.”

I flushed slightly. “Ah.” I considered it, remembering the previous night, feeling my blush deepen slightly as I recalled the feel of his skin against mine. _It was pleasant. Can_ _’t deny that. And things are already complicated. Why not?_

“It’s alright if the answer is no.” He said quickly.

Taking a deep breath, I opened my bag and fished out the book. Shrugging a shoulder, I rose and walked over to him. “I’m up for it.” I responded, giving him a small smile as I dropped down next to him.

Moving a bit, he wrapped his arm around me, resting his hand on my hip as he pulled me tightly to his side. A slight shiver ran through me and I blew out a long breath, acutely aware of everywhere we touched. _I_ _… I don’t want to pull away. I like being this close to him._ Brushing some hair out of my face I opened the book and leaned into his shoulder so he’d be able to see the pages.

Falkreath

“Couple miles out now.” Kai said, shading his eyes as he surveyed the roadway. “Should get there well before dark.”

“That’s good to know.” I responded, glancing over at him with a small smile.

“I find it odd we never crossed paths while you were treasure hunting.” He mused.

I laughed. “I made it my business to never be seen. When I wasn’t just dungeon delving anyway.”

“Were you perhaps doing illegal things?” He asked, quirking an eyebrow.

I shifted to respond and frowned, nodding toward the woods that lined the road. “There’s someone in the brush.”

Immediately Kai’s hand went to his sword hilt and he turned toward where I’d looked. A lean Argonian stepped out, hands held out in a placating gesture. “Kaidan. I did not expect to come across you here. I’d heard the Thalmor got a hold of you.”

“Seetul.” Kaidan identified. “How did you hear that?”

“Fisherman near your camp. Hid underwater so things were muffled but he told me they got the best of you. He must have been wrong.” He looked at me and frowned. “Do you intend to collect the bounty then? It is large enough for sharing.”

Kai stiffened. “I’ve only seen an informational bounty. And while generous it was hardly worth sharing.” He said slowly.

The Argonian shook his head. “Not just information anymore. New bounty being nosed about.” He stuck a clawed hand into his pouch and pulled out a folded poster, holding it out toward Kaidan. “I’ve never liked the idea of crossing swords with you.” He muttered as Kai took the poster and read it. “But since I’m the one who told you about it…” He trailed off when Kai shook his head.

“You don’t understand Seetul.” He said, “She is my friend. And the one who set the bounty. Is not.”

Seetul sighed heavily. “That’s disappointing to hear.” He said. “Others will take your traveling with her as a challenge.” He cautioned, shooting me another glance while I watched with my arms crossed, certain that Kaidan would explain the exchange. _Or at least I can drag it out of him._

“What was that all about?” I asked, watching the Argonian move away down the road.

“That was Seetul, he was warning me that the bounty on you has changed.” He shook his head. “We need to get you your memories back.”

I frowned. “I didn’t even remember I had a bounty.”

“That’s part of the problem.” He responded, sighing deeply, the expression on his face hard to decipher. “Come on. We’re almost to Falkreath. Hopefully Nevian is there already.”

“I don’t envy the guards here should a dragon attack.” Kai muttered as the city came into view. “It’s so heavily wooded that one could do a lot of damage with fire.”

“Especially dragon fire.” I agreed, then hesitated, pressing fingertips to my chest. “Speaking of dragons…” I muttered. “How far out are we?”

He studied the road ahead. “Not far. If we cut through the trees, we’ll get there faster. You think the dragon will go for the city?”

“Yes. Last one did.” I responded, picking up my pace.

He huffed out a long breath and ran with me, gesturing to where we needed to cut away from the road. The sensation in my chest got stronger and I pumped my legs harder, the city coming into view, noting movement out of the corner of my eye, a flash of brown fur. _Too big to be a wolf. Bear? Focus Silka. Dragon._ I thought as one of the guards registered our approach and moved a bit toward us.

“What’s the rush?” He asked.

Opening my mouth to respond I shook my head and pointed instead when the dragon wheeled overhead. “That.” I managed, taking my bag off, dropping it next to the city wall, nudging it out of view as I readied my bow. “Heavy bows and crossbows aim for joints.” I ordered. “That’s what worked in Whiterun.” I added as the guard gave me a funny look even as the others were drawing their bows.

“You’ve seen a dragon before?” He asked.

“Fought a dragon before.” Kai corrected, sighting down his bow and releasing as I sighted for my own shot, frowning when it just clipped the webbing.

“You’re not taking your own advice?” The guard asked, his voice nervous.

“Light bow.” I responded, narrowing my eyes as the dragon came toward us, opening its maw. “Move!” I ordered and the guards scattered as it Shouted ice.

Dodging to the side I grimaced as I caught the edge of the ice with my shoulder. _Cold. Cold. Fucking cold._ I thought, wheeling around to fire at it again, slinging my bow away as it dropped into the road, charging toward the guards, making them scatter with screams of terror.

“Don’t jump on its head.” Kai ordered as he loosed another arrow.

“No promises!” I responded, dashing forward, an axe in one hand as I called my oakflesh spell into place with the other. “Fus Ro!” I Shouted, staggering it slightly and drawing its attention completely to me as I got closer.

“Die mortal!” It screamed, drawing in a deep breath.

Firming my stance, I watched it with narrowed eyes. As soon as it started its Shout, I threw myself forward and to the side, grimly pleased to see a crossbow bolt catch it in the nose. Coming up with my hand axe I hit it in the lower jaw with as much weight as I could. As it started listing back with a cry of rage and pain I Shouted “Fus Ro!” And watched it crumple backward, thrashing with its death throws. As soon as its skin started crackling with white light, I squared my feet to attempt to maintain them, still driven to my knees as the power poured into me, pressing into my bones, energy welling into my system. Wiping my axes clean I sheathed them as I rose, pulsing a healing spell through my shoulder.

“Does anyone need healing?” I asked, turning to face the guards and Kaidan.

Kai came forward as the guards murmured among themselves and finally the one we’d spoken with shook his head. “Nothing that a potion or two can’t fix. Thank you Dragonborn. I’m certain it would not have been the same story without you.”

“I am glad that I was nearby.” I responded honestly. “Now if you’ll excuse me the bath house calls.”

Some chuckled as I moved to Kaidan’s side, sorely tempted to lean into his shoulder. “How are you feeling?” He asked.

“Both invigorated and exhausted.” I responded. “It’s a strange feeling.” I admitted as we recovered our gear before entering the city.

******

“Silka.” Delacourt called as I entered the inn, my hair wet from the bath. “Saw you come in. Figured you were for the baths. What in Oblivion is this?” He asked, holding out a letter.

“A poorly worded letter?” I asked, putting a hand on the back of my neck as I approached his corner.

“Yes.” He snapped. “Don’t worry, I’m alive? Things got complicated? Where is your lute?”

“Thalmor smashed it.” I muttered. “Triggered a memory spell.”

He pressed fingertips to his forehead. “We warned you about those songs you carry. The ones you wrote. You can generally get by with the standard fair but…” He frowned, nodding past me. “Who’s this?”

I glanced over my shoulder and quirked a smile as I noted that Kaidan had come into the inn and joined me by the bard. “This is my traveling companion.”

“I’m going to guess he joined after the Thalmor incident.” He muttered. “He looks like he could handle a standard sized patrol.”

“Well yes but also it wasn’t a standard size. It was two. And then they sent me to Helgen after I lost most of my memory.”

“They sent you to…” He broke off and went on a rant wholly comprised of cuss words and I tried to hide the grin that threatened. “What happened at Helgen?”

“Dragon.” I responded, explaining how the day had gone down.

“Viarmo is going to want to hear about that in person. Do you know how to fix your memory issues?”

“Music. Playing music specifically.”

His eyebrows rose. “Really? It was tailored to you then.” He held a hand out and I felt a spell flicker through me. “Yes. Music should do it.” He frowned and held his lute out. “If you break this or lose it, I will hunt you down. Use it. Get yourself under control and let me get a special show set up.”

“There’s more.” I admitted, taking the lute.

“More?” He asked.

“Yes. I’m Dragonborn.”

“Go. Get your memories back and we’ll discuss all of it in the morning.” He looked at Kaidan. “Bring my lute back to me once she’s done with it would you?”

Kai inclined his head. “I can do that.”

“Good. Good.” He sighed, leaning back in his chair. “I’ve a letter to write.” He muttered.

I grinned, moving away toward the counter to rent a room.

*****

Pulling my music book out I opened it to one of the songs I couldn’t remember writing. “Figure the moment I stop needing this I probably have my memories back.” I mused, sitting on the bed, strumming the lute softly, reading the music carefully as Kai sat on the bed, his attention on me.

_“Watch how easily you give away a weakness.” Azalet said gently, resting his hand on Nevian’s shoulder. “It is good that you are so connected to each other, but it could be used against you.”_ The music cut through the scene and I felt my breathing quicken as another memory surfaced.

 _“You did well. Avoided us for some time. Pity you chose to move near others.” Lorse said, grinning then shifting before lunging at Azalet._ I tried to tear myself away from that memory, pressing a little harder on the lute strings. _I don_ _’t want to see the end._ I thought, trying to even my breathing as the memory played out anyway. _The old Redguard brought his shield around, blocking the first swing from the werewolf, slashing out, dancing away, an expert swordsman. But old, and not without weakness. Crouching amongst the thorned berries I watched as the old Blade lost his footing, an old injury forcing his ankle to roll. Saw the werewolf capitalize on it, pressing forward, ripping his arm from his body with a spray of blood. I shoved my hand in my mouth so I couldn_ _’t scream, unable to look away as Lorse ripped Azalet’s chest open and devoured his heart. Dropping my grandfather to look around, his blood smeared on his fur, the werewolf let out a long howl that tore at my ears. Smoke rose from the village as other pack members set houses on fire. Tears flooded my vision as a pair of werewolves tore apart some villagers as Lorse had torn apart Azalet. A werewolf looked in my direction and, heart hammering in my ears I backed out of the bush, cast a chameleon spell and bolted._

“Silka. Silka.” The words broke through the memory and I opened my eyes, realizing the lute was no longer in my hands. Kai knelt on the bed, his hands cupping my face, his forehead creased with worry.

My breath caught hard in my throat and with a low moan, my eyes still burning with tears I reached out for my companion, collapsing against his chest when he released my face and opened his arms. He pulled me to him, stroking my hair gently. “I’ve got you.” He whispered. “I’ve got you.”

 _Why?_ I wondered, grasping his shirt in my hands. _Why are you so willing to help me? Is it just the debt? Will you leave when it_ _’s discharged? Will you go your own path? Now that I’ve got my memories back will that change things? I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay._ My throat and eyes burned as I pressed myself more tightly against him, feeling his arms tighten around me.

 _“_ Silka.” He whispered. “Did you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head. “No. Not yet. Only.” I pulled back slightly so I could look up at him, giving him a watery smile when he brushed tears away. “What you said in High Hrothgar. That you would have taken the bounty.”

He stiffened and opened his mouth to say something when I pressed a finger against his lips. “Shh. Listen. If it hadn’t been for what the Thalmor did you would not have known me. You would not have known about any of what Daggvar did. Don’t blame yourself for a job that you _might_ have taken.”

“No?” He asked. “You think I can just brush off what might have happened?”

“I think you should at least try.” I murmured. “You’re here. You’re here. For…” I shook my head. “For as long as you want to be.”

“What do you mean by that?” He asked, brushing my hair over my shoulder.

“We’ve been traveling together for some time now. Long enough that we both know that there’s trust here.” I explained. “Your life debt to me is…” I shrugged. “Pretty well paid in full.” I could feel another memory surfacing and grimaced, closing my eyes.

“It could never be paid off.” He murmured and I opened my eyes, looking up at him, confusion tempering the onslaught of memories.

“What do you mean?”

“Traveling with you. Fighting by your side. It’s given a purpose to my life that I never thought I’d have. How can I claim to have discharged my debt when every moment I accrue more?”

“So, you want to stay?” I asked, meeting his eyes. “You want to keep traveling with me?” I shook my head. “You’ve seen how messy my life is.”

He laughed softly, shifting his weight, pulling me onto his lap. “Yes.”

With a soft sigh I relaxed, letting him hold me as more memories washed over me.

_“Sil. They know the prisoners you’ve been caring for don’t feel the torture their magic demands.” Nev said, his face creased with fear._

“ _Fascinating._ _” I responded, studying the ingredients in front of me. “They know I’m terrible at alchemy. Only know three recipes.” I smiled. “But I know them well.”_

“ _If you insist on being this reckless then it_ _’s inevitable that you will run afoul of the Thalmor at some point.” Mother said, scowling from behind Nev. “Kyne willing that will never happen but in case it does… I know a spell. It will wipe your memory of everything Blade related. I’ve keyed it precisely to you.”_

_“Um…” I started, flinching when the spell struck me. “You could have asked.”_

_“Child. Until you start acting in interest of self-preservation I will act as I need to.”_

_“It’s not all about self.” I objected. “Or it shouldn’t be. Other people matter too.”_

_She snorted._ _“Don’t let your father hear you say that.”_

 _Turning to Nev as she swept out of the tent, I shook my head._ _“Why are we staying here? What’s keeping us here?”_

_“Fear?” He suggested. “We know father tracked us down once already. What’s to stop him doing it again? He’s already frustrated with you. He might kill you outright next time. And I’d rather not lose my sister.”_

_“There’s got to be a way.” I murmured. “Until then…” I studied the bundles of herbs again. “I’m going to keep drugging hagraven prisoners.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got an extra pair of eyes on this chapter which is nice. Considered more but finished personal edits this morning so once I get a backlog of chapters built back up that'll be easier to manage. :)  
> Note there is some gore near the end of the chapter.


	10. New Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan learns something about Bards and a bit of Silka's history.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is an allusion to past non-con. Not explicit. 
> 
> Warning. Here there be lemons a.k.a. explicit sex at the end of the chapter. If sex is something you prefer to skip stop reading when they agree to head toward bed. 
> 
> As usual I do not own the Skyrim NPCS nor Kaidan. Bethesda and Livtempleton have that distinction.

New Memories

Kaidan: Falkreath

Watching Silka’s face as she relived more of her memories I marveled at our conversation. _I was worried she_ _’d want me to leave. I was preparing an argument to convince her to let me stay_. I thought, cradling her closer to my chest when she thrashed and let out a small sound of distress. She curved her body slightly, grasping my shirt again, burying her face in my shoulder. _Gods. What did you remember this time?_ I wondered, kissing the top of her head, gently stroking her hair. “You’re safe.” I murmured. “I’ve got you.” _I can_ _’t imagine what it would be like to relive Brynjar’s death, the farm and leaving the cult all at once. What have you remembered? Will you tell me any of it?_ She went limp in my arms and fear gripped me.

“Silka?” I whispered, resting fingertips gently against the pulse point in her throat. _Overwhelmed_ I thought, relieved to find that her pulse was strong. “You must have remembered a lot.” With a long sigh I carefully shifted her off my lap onto the bed, rising to retrieve the blankets and tuck them around her. _I don_ _’t want to leave her alone in case she wakes up, but Delacourt will be wanting his lute and she could probably use some food. Gods know I could._ I thought, looking down at her for a long moment, wishing I could do more to assist her.

Locking the door behind me I headed down the short hallway into the noisy taproom, looking around for the Bard. He smiled as he saw me approaching. “Silka is sleeping I presume?” He asked.

I nodded slightly. “Yes.” Looking around the taproom I frowned, _I don_ _’t like how busy it’s gotten. I don’t want to risk Silka getting hurt by someone._

“If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t seen any sign of her older brother.” Delacourt offered.

“You know what her older brother looks like?” I asked.

“Yes. She sketched him for us.” He responded. “Viarmo got her to tell us a great many things about her life before joining the College. I don’t believe she expected to meet someone like him.”

“Hmm.” I responded, narrowing my eyes slightly. _So, the Bard_ _’s College is why she was sketching their portraits?_

The Breton smiled. “Now. As us Senior members take the safety of our Junior members very seriously indeed, I am going to need you to tell me what your intentions are toward Silka.”

“I intend to keep her safe.” I responded acidly. “And right now, I intend to get her something to eat.” _I saw no signs of any bards coming looking for her while we traveled, why should I trust what you say?_

He nodded. “A sound plan. Has she told you about her past?”

“Some.” I said quietly.

“Good. I spoke with the guards who fought the dragon with you. They verified what she said. I didn’t want to believe it. But there’s no real choice.”

“Do you not think she can do it?”

“Oh, that’s not the issue at all.” He said dismissively. “I know she’s quite capable of taking care of business. But she wanted to disappear once her circuit was done. Her plan was to lay low and study history as Giraud’s apprentice.”

“I best get that food so she’s not alone when she wakes up.” I said, moving to back away.

“You used to come here a lot.” He said quickly. “Bounty Hunter. I know the type. You think I wouldn’t question your motives? Especially considering the bounties that have been showing up?”

I froze, studying him. _Bards are so common in inns that I don_ _’t usually pay attention to them. And I don’t always consider that they have a great amount of information about the people who frequent their inns. An oversight on my part_. “Silka saved my life.” I said slowly, realizing at that moment that he was serious about protecting her. _And being a Breton it_ _’s entirely possible that he is a mage._ I thought. “I owe her a debt.” _He doesn_ _’t need to know that she sees it as discharged._

“Alright. See that you keep my words in mind. I’ll include your description with my letter to Viarmo.”

“Why do you feel the need to do that?” I wondered.

He smiled. “So he doesn’t make sure you run into trouble.” He turned away and I shook my head, moving to the counter to order food and a couple of bottles of mead.

 _That was a threat_. I realized, somewhat amused. _People don_ _’t really take the Bards College seriously. I wonder if that’s on purpose_. I mused as I moved swiftly back to the room, watching the people I passed, relieved to see the hallway was empty, the small window still shuttered tightly.

Unlocking the door, I slipped inside and looked immediately at the bed. Silka was still and I breathed out a sigh of relief. _Still sleeping. Good._ Putting the food and mead down I pulled my boots and undershirt off, setting them to the side before sliding under the blankets next to my traveling companion, pulling her into my arms, breathing out a small sigh. _Gods, holding you in my arms is becoming an addiction_. _Always wondering when I can do it again_. Burying my face in her hair I breathed in deeply, memorizing her scent. She shifted, stirring awake.

“Kaidan.” She murmured.

“I’m here.” I responded. “What do you need?”

She sighed and twisted in my arms. Reluctantly I loosened my hold so she could roll over. “How long did I sleep?”

“Not terribly long. Thirty minutes maybe. You worried me a bit. With the way you went about falling asleep.”

“I think passed out would be the more accurate term.” She muttered, her forehead creasing slightly.

“Yes.” I agreed. “Come, I brought Delacourt his lute back and bought some food. Figured, hoped, that you’d be hungry.”

“I can try to eat something.” She murmured. “After the dragon I need it. Not feeling very hungry though.” She said, sitting up anyway.

I sat up myself and rose, offering her a hand out of the bed. “Just eat a bit of it.” I suggested. “Enough that you can drink the mead and sleep more easily.”

She quirked a smile at me, accepting my hand and standing, patting lightly at her eyes with her fingertips.

“Eyes hurt?” I asked.

She nodded. “Just a bit. Gods, I haven’t cried that hard since my mother got turned.”

“Turned?” I asked softly.

“Yes.” She said quietly as she sat down at the table, poking at the stew with the spoon. “There’s not use lying to you about it. Nev would probably mention it anyway.” She took a bite, looking thoughtful. “How much do you know about hagravens?” She asked.

“Perversions of nature.” I spat, then frowned, looking at her. “Why?”

She smiled. “That’s an apt description of them.” She said softly. “When I was eighteen, they told my mother that if she did not turn and join her magical gifts with theirs that they would kill me.” She tapped her cheek scars. “Gave me the burn and the gashes to prove their sincerity.”

“Did it work?” I asked softly.

“Yes. Which…” She frowned, sipping at the mead. “I didn’t want her to. Someone must die for a hagraven to be made. So, she traded my life for a stranger.”

“You wanted to die?”

She put her drink down and looked up at me. “Yes.”

“Why?” I asked. _What could make someone so young have a death wish?_

She let out a long breath. “When I was a baby, my mother’s parents snuck into pack territory to rescue their daughter from the werewolf who had captured her. She declined to go with them. Claimed the pack leader, Lorse, had ties with the Thalmor and would help them track her, and any other Blades down. Turns out she was right.”

“Your mother was a Blade?” I asked softly.

“Yes. As were both her parents. She was only involved in the Great War during its last year or so, but that was long enough for the Thalmor to count her among the Blades. And of course, her parents were both involved.”

“So, her parents took you… and Nevian?” I asked.

“Yes. We were raised by Azalet and Lamrika. Lamrika disappeared when I was six and Azalet…” She sighed. “He stopped moving around after that. Before that we’d moved every six months or so. But he didn’t have the heart to keep moving. So, we settled into a small farming community and Azalet taught the children how to read and write. He taught Nev and I history. Mostly history of the Blades… and the Akaviri.”

“Which is why you keep your journals in Akaviri then?” I murmured, pushing her stew toward her, raising an eyebrow when she raised one of her own.

Shaking her head, she humored me and took another bite.

“How did Lorse find you? I’m assuming Lorse did, and not the Thalmor.”

“Honestly based on something Nev told me it might have been both.” She responded. “When Lorse attacked the village, grandfather told us to run. Nev did and he told me that he ran into a group of High Elves. And Nev could only think to babble a story about monsters, but he told me they didn’t seem at all surprised. And ultimately, they did turn him over to the pack.”

“What did you do?” I asked softly, sipping at my mead.

“I hid in the brush and watched. I was hoping I’d find an opening to cause a distraction.” She shook her head. “No. It didn’t happen. Gods. If I never see a burnt-out village again it will be too soon.”

 _Is that part of why Helgen affected you so badly?_ I wondered.

“Took two days for Lorse to track me down and I swung a wood axe into his face. Well, I tried. And I didn’t know it at the time but that was when I first ran into Daggvar and Sarlfi. It leaves an impression, seeing your would-be fiancé devouring a farmers heart.”

 _I can imagine that would bias you against someone, yes_. “What happened to your grandfather?”

“Lorse killed him. Azalet was an expert fighter, but so is Lorse, and he was getting old and had too many past injuries that weakened him.” She explained.

“And you saw it happen.” I murmured, watching her face.

She tried to smile, but a tear trickled down her cheek. Putting my mead down I leaned forward and brushed it away. “You don’t have to talk about it if it’s too distressing.” I murmured.

“Thank you.” She responded. “It will fade again.”

“That’s true.” _But until then you_ _’re in pain_.

“How busy was the taproom? I noticed after Helgen that crowds made me a bit nervous. Which isn’t ideal for a Bard.”

“But it’s fine for the Dragonborn.” I responded. “And busy. Busier than I’d have liked to see. No sign of Nevian though.”

“See many Bounty Hunters?” She asked.

I shook my head. “Not that I recognized.”

“He won’t give up. Why won’t he just give up? It’s been six years. With his connections he has to know I didn’t hide a child away or something.” She mused, playing with her spoon, staring at the table.

I felt my fingers tighten on my mead bottle. _Hide a child away? Just what did he do to you? And do I want to know?_ “How old were you when you left?” I asked, trying to keep my tone even.

“I was almost nineteen. As Nev alluded to, I left while he was taking the twins to Winterhold. It’s not how I’d planned it. I had hoped to wait for Nev to come back and go with him. Maybe take out a certain Hagraven along the way. But…” She shook her head and sighed heavily. “Daggvar forced my hand. I had to leave early, and I don’t know why Nev hasn’t left yet.”

“Nev doesn’t know that Daggvar gave you your back scars?” I asked, his comment on her not telling him what Daggvar had done flashing in my memory.

“No. He’d have wanted to do something and…” She shook her head. “I worry he would have gotten killed.”

“So, you’ve carried it this long without telling anyone?” _As if you’re one to talk Kai_. I scolded myself, thinking of when I’d left the cult. _And it did a lot of damage to keep it all bottled up._

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

She shrugged slightly. “It’s alright. It’s just the way that it is sometimes. Are you going to tell me that you’ve told others about Brynjar and being in a Daedric cult?” She countered.

I smiled. “Fair enough. Are you going to eat any more?”

She shook her head. “No. I’m too tired.”

I frowned at her bowl. _She barely ate any of it_. “Alright.” I agreed, not voicing my disappointment. _I_ _’ll try again in the morning_.

“Thank you. I know you’re not happy, but it’s really all I can stomach. Let’s get some sleep.”

“I’ll take the floor.” I offered.

She considered it, tapping the table. “No.”

“After the evening you’ve had I’m not letting you sleep on the floor.” I countered, surprised she would even consider it.

“That’s fine.” She agreed. “I. It’s selfish. But...” She let out a long breath. “That night in High Hrothgar I slept better than memory tells me I’ve slept in literal years. I… could use that again.”

Heart hammering in my chest I rose slowly. “It was the same for me.” I murmured. _And Divines know I_ _’d give anything to hold you that close again_.

She flushed deeply, and I gave her a small smile, jerking my head toward the bed. She nodded slightly then paused before reaching down to her shirt hem and pulling it off, shaking out her hair as I tried to breath evenly. “Let’s get some rest.” She murmured, moving toward the bed.

Not thinking, I reached a hand out and caught her arm, tugging her gently toward me when she glanced at me. Heart racing, I looped an arm around her waist, pulling her tightly to me, sliding my other hand into her hair, tilting her head back slightly. “Silka.” I whispered, staring down into her hazel eyes. “I…” I took a deep breath as she flushed. Gathering my courage, questioning my timing, I lowered my head and kissed her, a jolt of desire striking me when she pressed into me, lifting a hand to tangle in my hair, her other hand resting on my shoulder as she returned the kiss, her lips soft against mine. Pulling back after a long moment I felt a smile spread across my face. _Do you have any idea how long I_ _’ve been wanting to do that?_ I thought. “I take it you didn’t remember anything that would make that unwelcome?”

“No.” She responded, lifting herself up to initiate the next kiss.

With a small sound I pulled her as tightly to me as I could manage, feeling my skin flushing where it met hers, my shaft tightening to an almost painful degree as I held her. _She might not be up for sex_. I cautioned myself, letting out a low sound when she pulled back slightly and traced one of her hands down my chest, tracking it lower and lower. I shuddered as she rested her hand by the waist of my pants.

I looked down at her. “Lie with me tonight?” I whispered.

She met my eyes and licked her lips then slid her hand beneath the fabric and I tilted my head back with a soft moan as her fingers brushed my shaft. “Yes.” She murmured.

Ducking my head down I kissed her again, my movements becoming somewhat frantic as I moved my hands and hooked fingers in the band of her pants, sliding them down over her hips, shifting mine so her hand slipped free, kneeling in front of her as I pulled pants and small clothes down. She let out a small gasping yelp when I grasped her ass and tilted her hips, bringing one hand around to tease at her nub before putting my mouth on her. Her knees buckled slightly, and I tried not to grin as I tasted her. _This is not how I expected tonight to go. But even if this turns out to just be a distraction she needed_ _…_ I twisted my tongue, rewarded with a further buckling of her knees and a low cry, my name on her lips. _I will remember it._

Sliding two fingers into her proved to be all that was needed to bring her over the edge, and I smirked as I rose, sliding my own pants down, eyes on her as she tugged her breast band free. She reached for my shaft and I grabbed her wrist. “I want to feel you around me.” I murmured, rewarded with one of her gorgeous flushes.

Leaning down to kiss her again I gently maneuvered her back to the bed. Pausing, I swept her off her feet, giving her another kiss when she turned her head toward me and gently putting her down on the bed. Straddling her I licked my lips as I looked down. _Fuck, you_ _’re a picture_. I thought, memorizing the way her hair spread out underneath her, her flushed cheeks, and sparkling eyes. Pressing lightly against her entrance I lifted an eyebrow, waiting for her slight nod before slowly easing into her, closing my eyes with a low groan as she tightened around me, silky smooth. _Fuck, you_ _’re perfect_.

Pulling out halfway I thrust a touch harder, rewarded with a small sound of pleasure. Leaning forward I trailed kisses along her throat, pacing myself, trying to control my urge to move quickly. Moving my head, I carefully traced along her jaw, licking, and nipping as she bucked her hips against mine, tightening even further around me, letting out a gasping cry. “Kaidan.” She breathed. “Fuck.”

I laughed, picking up the pace just a bit as I tracked my lips back to hers, lifting my head to look down at her before picking up my pace again, letting out a small grunt as she met my pace easily, eagerly, as I neared my climax. Ducking my head down I pressed my lips to hers as I thrust one last time and held, shuddering as I climaxed. _Divines that was incredible_. I thought, moving my upper body back some, bracing myself on my hands as I looked down at her. She returned my gaze, a soft smile on her kiss swollen lips, her eyes bright, her skin flushed. _Fuck, you_ _’re a sight_. I thought, reaching a hand up to trace her cheek. “You are a sight.” I murmured. “So fucking gorgeous.”

She flushed further and I let out a soft laugh. “Yes.” I said, cutting off any potential protest. Shifting my weight, I pulled out and dropped to the bed next to her. “I don’t know about you, but I think I will sleep very well after that.” I said, turning on my side to look at her, feeling warmed and more than a bit satisfied.

Turning to face me she reached out a hand and moved her fingertips along my cheek, a gentle smile still on her lips. “How could I not?” She asked, leaning in to kiss me again.

 _This_ _… This is right._ I thought, reaching for the blankets as she pressed into me. _I_ _’ve never felt so at peace after sex before._ I thought, wrapping my arms around her, kissing her forehead. “Sleep well beautiful.” I murmured.

She made a soft sound in the back of her throat, her breathing telling me she was already half asleep. 

_Divines willing, you won_ _’t have nightmares tonight. Even with everything you’ve remembered. But, if you do, I’ll be here._


	11. Conversations and Scholars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silka has some fallout from getting her memories back so suddenly.  
> Delacourt has suggestions for more people to travel with. 
> 
> TW: Mention of rape/reproductive coercion

**Chapter 11: Conversations and Scholars**

**Silka: Falkreath**

A sharp knock at the door pierced my dreams and I jerked awake, heart accelerating. Kaidan’s arms tightened around me then eased as he gained consciousness as well.

“Stay here?” He murmured. “I can see who it is.” He suggested, releasing his hold on me to roll out of the bed.

Sitting up, clutching the blankets to me I frowned. “Hand me my clothes and I can start dressing under the blanket.”

He nodded, tossing them to me and I started quickly applying smallclothes as he crossed to the door, foregoing his shirt and armor, sword in his hand, and I paused for a half second to admire his muscles, my mind on the previous night. _Focus Silka._

Wiggling my pants on as he opened the door a crack I slipped out of the bed, pulling my shirt over my head as he sighed and opened the door wider to admit Nevian and Delacourt. Pulling my hair out of my shirt I studied Nevian. _I know you. And Fuck it feels good to know you._

“Nevian.” I greeted, not bothering to raise my voice. “Fuck. What happened to your face?” I asked, realizing now that the scarring was new in the last six years.

He crossed the room in three strides and pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. “You _remember_ me.” He whispered, his voice cracking.

“Yes.” I responded. “But that’s not an answer.”

He shook his head as he dropped me back to my feet. “An exchange of information?” He suggested. “You tell me why you left; I’ll tell you what happened to my face?”

I felt my breath quicken, a rushing sound in my ears as I stared at my twin. “Nev.” I started, flinching away from the memories of Daggvar’s claws, of his bed. My vision blurred and I swayed, feeling dizzy. “No.” I whispered. “I… can’t. I can’t. Don’t. Please. Please don’t.”

“Sil. I’m sorry.” Nev said, his voice barely audible over the noise in my head. “Sil. Sil. Listen. Listen.”

 _“If we’re lucky, you’ll conceive. Harder to run when you’re pregnant.” Daggvar mused, leaning back in his chair with a smile. “Or so I’ve heard.”_ I pressed my hands to my ears as if it could block out the memories, feeling my breath catch. “No.” I shook my head hard. “No. No. That’s. That’s a memory. He’s not. He’s not here.”

“Sil. Silka. Damnit. Snap out of it!” Nev ordered, changing to Akaviri. “Don’t give him this power over you.”

Rage warmed my limbs and I glared, taken aback when I realized that I was kneeling on the floor and Nev had his hands on my shoulders.

“What just happened?” I whispered, feeling foggy.

“You were remembering…” Nev started, loosening his grip slightly.

“Not that.” I snarled. “Why am I on the floor?”

“Oh. You did that. You uh, put your hands over your ears and started mumbling.” He said slowly, watching me.

I felt my jaw set, pulling back from Nev and rising, pacing the room, narrowing my eyes at Delacourt when he gave me a sympathetic look, avoiding looking at Kaidan. _Will it bother him? Will it make him leave?_

“Food.” The Bard said. “Who’s hungry? I’ll go get breakfast. Yes. Good. I’ll be back.” He said quickly, moving over to the door.

Pulling my hair over my shoulder I started twisting strands between my fingers, pacing back and forth. “What do you plan to do next?” Nev asked.

“We hadn’t discussed that yet. The focus was my Gods-Forsaken memories.”

“Sil.” Nev started. “Silka. I didn’t think. I’m sorry.”

Kaidan made a small sound in the back of his throat and I turned his way. “You didn’t think, when she had six years to tell you and didn’t, that it could be that bad?” He asked, glaring at my twin.

“We didn’t meet up in person much during that six years.” Nev pointed out. “I didn’t think it could be…”

“Well.” I sighed, exhaustion swamping me. “I don’t know what to tell you Nev.” Moving toward the bed I paused when Kaidan approached me, reaching a hand out toward me, offering something, I wasn’t entirely sure what. Taking a deep breath, I put my hand in his, letting him pull me to him. Tears started welling as I rested my head on his still bare chest, breathing in his scent.

“Silka. Did you not tell me because you were worried what I would do?” Nev asked, his tone screaming pain.

I shifted in Kaidan’s embrace. _All I do lately is sob while he holds me. Won_ _’t be long before he runs away. I wouldn’t blame him._ “That’s exactly why Nev.” I responded, turning my head so my reply wouldn’t be muffled.

He closed his eyes, grief lining his face. “Sil.” He took a deep breath. “I’m. I’m going to see what’s taking Delacourt so long. Maybe get a sniff of the air. Check for… well. You know.”

“He doesn’t do raw emotions well.” Kai commented softly when the door closed behind him.

“He doesn’t.” I agreed. “He’ll have to face that someday. I know he’s got things hidden that I have no knowledge of as well.” I sighed. “I’m sorry I created such a burden for you. You’ve got so many heavy things in your past. I’m not sure it was fair to you.”

Kai’s arms tightened around me slightly and he rested his head on mine. “You didn’t have to trust me with any of your past. That you felt comfortable doing so…” He pulled back slightly, hooking his hand under my chin, lifting my head before sliding his hand to the side of my face. “Trust goes both ways. And knowing that you’ve been as honest with me as I have with you…” He shook his head. “It’s almost heady.”

“Have you traveled with many dishonest people?” I asked, trying to ease the mood a touch.

He smiled. “Some.” He murmured, sliding his hand to the back of my head, and leaning in to brush his lips against mine.

Closing my eyes, I pressed into the kiss. _Maybe he does want to stay. I trust him but there_ _’s still fear that he’ll leave. And I’m not entirely sure why._ He wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me closer. Drawing back after a long moment I smiled up at him. “We should figure out where we’re going from here.” I suggested. _Thank you. That helped. And that_ _’s a little scary itself._

“We need to get to that ruin yes?” He asked, running his fingers along the side of my jaw, making me shiver.

“Mmm.” I responded, shaking my head. “Stop that. You’re making it really hard for me to think.”

“Am I?” He asked, his voice low, sliding his hand back into my hair, lowering his mouth to my jaw and skimming his teeth along it gently. My nerves hummed and arousal shot straight to my groin.

Letting out a soft moan I tilted my head, giving him easier access as he ran his lips along my neck. “Mm.” I breathed. “You’re right. Thinking is overrated.”

He laughed softly, lifting his head to meet my eyes, his smoldering. Someone rapped lightly at the door and I sighed.

“Damn it.” He murmured, pressing his lips lightly to mine before releasing me and crossing to the door.

I let out a long breath, working through my emotions. _I_ _’m more settled. But I can’t rely on someone else to help me next time. I’m going to have to wrack my brains for how I dealt with this previously._

Moving over to the chair as Nev and Delacourt came in I started pulling my boots on. “You asked our plan past Falkreath.” I said, accepting the wrapped parcel from Delacourt as Nev put a full mug of water next to me. “We need to go to Morthal, but I’d like to go through Riften first.”

“Why is that?” Del asked, perching on the end of the bed, unwrapping a turnover.

“I have contacts in Riften.” I said. “They can give me information on almost anything.”

“That’s true. You’ll need to steer clear of…” He glanced at Nev and Kai. “Well, you know who you need to avoid. Word is he’s trying to drip poison into people’s ears about you, but most don’t believe it yet. So, mind yourself when you go down there.”

“Is this someone we’re likely to run into?” Kaidan asked slowly.

I took a sip of water and considered the question. “It’s a risk. But I think the information we can glean will be worth it. Plus, two of my contacts are likely to know exactly where he is. Makes it easier to avoid him.”

“Who is this person you won’t name?” Nev asked, his eyes narrowed.

“Someone I met about six years ago.” I said mildly. _You would not approve. You don_ _’t like thieves. Or didn’t._

“Speaking of contact in Riften.” Del piped up. “That Khajiit you worked with is trying to find you.”

“Is he?” I asked, furrowing my brow.

“He doesn’t name himself, but the writing pattern is identical to what you showed us. Seems he convinced the guards to arrest him for murder, but no one knows who he supposedly killed.”

“When did he do that?”

“About the same time you reached Solitude.”

 _Ohhh. Oh damn._ “Best go see him then. Give him some closure. Damn. Damn that sucks.” I shook my head as Nev made a face.

“Silka. He _tried_ to murder you.”

“Only because of the Skooma.” I responded dismissively. I turned to Kaidan. “What do you think?”

“I don’t like the idea of going somewhere you know could mean trouble. But I have a few contacts myself down there. Retired. No risk of their trying to get their hands on the reward. I also have a couple favors I can call in.”

“You were the swordsman who cleared out Cragslane Cavern for the Jarl there, weren’t you?” Delacourt asked, grinning at the surprised look Kai gave him. “Bards know a great deal more than you’d expect.” He turned to me. “Speaking of. Anytime you run into Talsgar try and have a chat with him. He can give you any rumors he’s found on the road.”

“What about M’aiq?” I asked, grinning at the sound he made.

“M’aiq would be the first to tell you not to believe anything he says.” He pointed out.

“Yes, but he often has good insights.”

He sighed heavily. “Speak to him at your own discretion.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a letter. “Here. This gives you the authorization to play at any inn in Skyrim. Show it to the attendant bard and the innkeeper. Might as well get some experience out of this.”

I nodded, taking it from him. “I suppose most of them won’t mind if I play during the slower hours. At least until I get my equilibrium back.”

The Bard sighed. “Indeed.” He agreed. “May that day come swiftly. What do you plan to do for instrument?”

“I can help with that.” Nev said, moving swiftly to the door. “Not sure why I left it in my room.” He muttered as he went.

“He promised to bring me a lute.” I explained when Del shot a confused look at the door.

“Ah. Excellent. You think you can avoid Frey down there?” He asked. “He’s been trying to spread the word that you double-crossed him.”

I snorted. “Impossible to double-cross someone you’ve never gone on a job with. Wonder how many of the others believe it. I’ll have to ask Brynjolf.”

He shook his head. “None. But that’s among the thieves, he’s got Haelga of the bordel repeating it.”

“Haelga will repeat any rumor, if she thinks it will take heat off of her activities.” I responded. “And technically it’s a bunkhouse.”

Del gave me a level look while I tried not to laugh. “Technically.”

“Wenches are tough Delacourt. You’d be hard pressed to find one who would put up with a mistress like Haelga.”

“Can’t argue that point.” He agreed as Kaidan raised an eyebrow.

“Thieves?” He asked, giving me a long look.

“I never joined the Guild. Which may be part of why Frey feels like he can slander my name. I only did odd jobs for them.”

“Like what?”

“Mm, running goods, delving into a couple of ruins at one point. Little things. I wanted lessons in lock-picking and was short on coin. And then I started making friends and a name for myself as a delver. So, if a client wanted something out of an old ruin, they’d contact me. They knew I’d be good for it.”

“So why would this Frey double cross you?” He asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Mercer Frey.” I shook my head. “I don’t know. No one knows why Mercer Frey does what he does. He meddled in the job the Khajiit and I had. Sometimes I wonder if he arranged it.” I shook my head. “It didn’t end well. We finished it, but it was messier than it should have been and then of course the Khajiit shot me.”

“Sometimes I wonder if Frey didn’t disappear some of your companion’s stash.” Del muttered.

“Wouldn’t put it past him. But he had words with me when I ducked into the Cistern later that night. And I’m certain he paid the two mercs who jumped me when I headed out the next morning. Lucky for me I’m quick on my feet. That was when I decided to wash my hands of the place and head up to Solitude.”

“Why lock-picking lessons?” He asked.

Memories rushed me and I swayed on my feet as I tried to push them back.

_“She can’t remove them without the key.” Daggvar murmured, “Just bring her food and send a runner to me if she tries to take off. She won’t be able to go far without her magic.”_

_“Yes sir.” The younger man agreed, his voice muffled past the door._

_Daggvar sighed as he closed the door, crossing over to me, lifting my right arm to study the faintly glowing cuff he_ _’d snapped on my wrist. “One day you’ll teach me how you managed to foil both our Clairvoyance spells at once.” He said, shaking his head at the sound I made in my throat. “You will. It will just take time.”_

A strong smell pulled me free, and I spluttered, jerking away from it. Kai held me against his chest, his face concerned, as Delacourt pressed a cork into a small vial. “Used to keep this on hand for ladies at the court when fainting was in fashion.” He said, giving me a half smile. “You didn’t have nearly as many problems when you were at the Bard’s College which suggests that you just need a little time.”

“I’m here.” Kai whispered, helping me to my feet as Nev came back in, holding a familiar instrument.

I stilled, feeling grief rush over me in a wave as he held out the lute. “You found it.” I murmured, taking it from him reverently, running my fingers lightly over it, welcoming the respite from memories of Daggvar.

“Grandfather’s lute.” He agreed. “He’d have wanted you to have it. Especially with you writing songs about Blades and Akaviri. He’d have been proud of you Sil.”

I half smiled, wiping a tear away as I carefully inspected the strap. “You made the strap?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yes. The original was too worn. I worried it would fail if you needed to fight.” He sighed. “About fights. I heard what happened with the dragon. It’s the buzz of the city. So, you really are Dragonborn.”

“Yes.”

“Damnit. I wish I could travel with you. I wish it would be safe, but if I’m to leave the pack.” He took a deep breath. “I’d like to do it in a way to get them to come after me instead of you. Daggvar still defers to Sarlfi.”

I felt a shiver run through me at the name and closed my eyes, trying to even my breathing. “That’s good.” I managed, leaning into Kaidan when he came to my side, noting he’d put his armor on while we were talking.

“But. If you didn’t mind. I could tag along with you as far as Riften. You planning to take a carriage?”

“Probably the safer idea.” Kai murmured.

“Do you plan to get anyone else to travel with you?” Del asked thoughtfully. “I mean as the Dragonborn you might have to start actually… hunting dragons. Would be useful to have another pair of hands or two.”

“Like a mercenary?” I asked, settling the lute on the table before grabbing my leather cuirass.

“Not a mercenary.” Kaidan said quickly. “They’d be too tempted by the bounty.”

“I think you should find a scholar. And perhaps someone who can match you in stealth. I’m going to wager a guess that Kaidan here is not the quietest.”

“Why a scholar?” I asked.

“I’m thinking that perhaps they can take notes on the dragons. Perhaps disseminate information for others to use to better fight them. I’d suggest another bard but Viarmo would never authorize that.” Del explained.

“It might be a good idea.” I admitted, turning to Kai.

He was frowning but looked resigned. “Having backup to keep you safe does make sense.” He said.

I half smiled. _You can_ _’t be everywhere at once Kai. We’ll just have to get creative to spend time together. If… if this spark keeps up between us._

“Why would you need someone stealthy?” Nev asked curiously, mercifully breaking me from my thoughts.

“To spy on people. I doubt Kaidan would be comfortable with my sneaking to survey potential bounty hunters.” I said, tapping my fingers against my thigh. “If the Khajiit is clean. And if he feels remorse for what he did… I do remember him excelling at stealth and he was an excellent shot… most of the time.”

“Silka. He shot you!” Nev protested.

“How was he in close combat?” Kai asked, and I gave him a grateful look.

“Good. He carried a sword if I remember correctly. Sword and shield.”

“He. Shot. You.” Nev repeated, glaring at me.

“Yes. And then he had himself arrested for murder because he thought he killed me. That suggests it was the withdrawals.” I pointed out patiently.

“I’m definitely going with you to Riften then. If he smells off…” He gave me a look.

“Then I’ll leave him behind. I swear it.” I agreed.

He relaxed his shoulders. “That leaves the scholar.”

“I may be able to help with that. There’s a scholar recently come to the Dead Man’s Drink. He’s green, but he has a good heart and he’s been desperate to find someone to escort him to a few Dwemer Ruins. He’ll pay, even. I can imagine he’d jump at the chance to study the Voice.”

“He can _observe_ but that’s it.” I muttered, grimacing at the thought of someone studying me.

“Is he a mage?” Kai asked.

“He knows some spells but not many. I imagine he needs to practice those as well. Being from Cyrodiil he is likely sympathetic to the Imperial side of the Civil War so he may be able to speak to those soldiers as needed.”

“I’m not a Stormcloak.” I pointed out.

“No, but some Imperial soldiers have begun suspecting any Nord who doesn’t wear their armor of being at least a sympathizer.” He explained, his expression grim.

“Good to know. I take it he’s not a Nord?” I asked. _Damn, this war is getting out of hand. Will everyone be forced to choose a side? How can the Dragonborn be expected to choose one? I_ _’d think the dragons should be a bit more of a concern._

“No. He’s an Imperial. Come on. I’ll introduce you.” He rose, moving toward the door then turned. “Kaidan, why don’t you hang back a moment. You might, spook him.”

Kai rolled his eyes but nodded. “I’ll get the gear brought down.”

*****

“Lucien Flavius. At your service.” The blond Imperial said brightly.

I shook my head, taking in his apparel. _We need to get you into some armor. Perhaps Balimund can be of assistance. Or Grelka._ I considered the chipper man in front of me. _Balimund. Grelka would skin him for breathing too cheerfully._ “Technically you’ll be buying _my_ services, so your phrasing is a bit off.” I pointed out.

“That’s very true uh… miss?”

I laughed. “I’m Silka. We’ll be traveling with Kaidan as well. And my brother Nevian as far as Riften.” I said, keeping my voice low although the inn was nearly empty.

“Oh, we’re going to Riften?”

“First. And then it’s to a Nordic ruin. We’ll discuss Dwemer ruins after we see how we get on together.”

“Sounds like an excellent plan.” He said cheerfully. “But why not a Dwemer ruin first?”

“Dwemer ruins tend to be a lot more dangerous.” I explained, waving Kai and Nev over as they entered the taproom. “The taller man is Kaidan.”

“And the Redguard is your brother?” He asked.

“Yes. Do you need any more time here?”

He shook his head. “Five minutes to pack my bags.”

“Excellent. Meet us at the stables.”

Turning to Delacourt as he left, I lifted an eyebrow. “I would like to survive being Dragonborn.”

He guffawed. “Come on. He’s amusing.”

“He better be a quick learner because when you said green you meant it.” I grumbled.

“He’s sincere.” He said seriously. “Trust me.” He smiled. “Travel safely Silka.”

I nodded, moving toward the door. _This is going to be an interesting ride to Riften._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this isn't really a thing people do much anymore but it's habit. Thanks to mod authors: Livetempleton, Smartbluecat, JosephRussell, and game company Bethesda for creating many of the characters in this fic.


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